All Dressed in OffWhite
by Lawrence Vivisected
Summary: The chains meant “’til death do us part” already. The ring just made it official. EVENTUAL LxLight. Plot besides LOLwedding. Chapter 4 is up.
1. Preparations

**Title: **All Dressed in Off-White

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Death Note_.

**Rating: **PG-13 (my default rating)

**Summary: **The chains meant "'til death do us part" already. The ring just made it official. Multi-chaptered. LxLight.

**Key: **'words' thinking

**Chapter 1: Preparations**

Ryuuzaki felt his L-sense tingling as his prime suspect turned from him, notebook in hand. From his vantage point, he could see Light's cheeks bulging slightly, as if the tips of his mouth were drawn up into a smile.

'And that scream before…most peculiar…now that I think about it, Light hadn't even been looking directly at the Shinigami, as his father was…'

There was a reason Ryuuzaki was the greatest (three) detective(s) in the world. He knew when to make judgment calls, knew when to trust his instincts, knew how to play people, and knew when to jump to action. Right now, he was being told that Light was up to something, and if he wanted to live past his 25th year of life, it was high time to interfere immediately.

"Light-kun," he said slowly, "face me while you check the names."

For a fraction of a millisecond, Light tensed and L's cranial alarms went haywire.

"Why would you like me to turn around, Ryuuzaki?" the boy asked, his voice lined neatly with steely politeness, back still shielding him.

"Enough," Ryuuzaki ordered. "Turn around this instant and look at me, notebook and all, or I will have you arrested for suspicious behavior."

"You can't arrest me for not looking at you, Ryuuzaki," Light scoffed, but L could hear the whisper of alarm.

"I, as L, control police agencies all over the world. I could have you incarcerated for breathing on me."

To be fair, that last line was not true but Ryuuzaki wished it were: he would have put that Kyoko girl behind bars a long time ago. Forgetting the situation at hand, Ryuuzaki shivered. The memory of her was almost tangible, sitting so close to him in class she would be breathing down his neck, giggling gleefully on the off-chance his hand touched hers.

Touch?

"Light-kun, turn around and face me," Ryuuzaki commanded, "or I will have no choice but to brand you a coward."

This comment prodded Light's unshakeable pride exorbitantly, and so wound around to face Ryuuzaki. "Pardon?"

The overgrown owl was never one to express feelings with any organ, in particular his mouth, but there was indubitably the spirit of a smirk there. Light bristled as Ryuuzaki reached a spider-hand to him expectantly.

"The notebook, Light-kun…if you would please."

What? He hadn't even—he didn't have time to—Christ, he didn't get the chance to touch his watch!

"No!" he blurted out and then blanched obviously afterwards. Shit. Shit!

'That was telling,' thought Ryuuzaki wryly.

"Let it go," he warned, leaning forward.

Light grit his teeth, clenched his fingers. Oh, over his _dead_ body.

"Damn it, L," Light snapped, holding the Note away from the detective. "You always want to control everything! I promise you, I have control over this, so please go back to monitoring the Shinigami's interactions with the rest of the task force."

'Now I'm 'L,' huh? Kira, you're slipping…'

"You do not seem to be in control," L stated, catching Light's note-free hand in is own, "as your clammy, sweaty palms tell me otherwise." The man pressed forward, scrambling about on his knees across the seat, forcing Light to be pushed up against the side of the helicopter door. They sat there, wide eye to wide eye, Light holding the Note above both of them, as if trying to push the book back into the sky it fell from. The teenaged genius glowered at Ryuuzaki mutinously, indian-red hair splayed messily across his slick forehead, pupils constricted into dots.

L kneeled upon Light's chest, digging his bony knees purposely into his ribs. Light winced, and Ryuuzaki, using this distraction to its fullest, lunged for the hovering Death Note. But Light would not relinquish his grip.

"Let go," ordered L, "_Kira_."

Light, in his spontaneous madness, was jolted back to earth with the utterance. He paused.

"I'm not Kira," he grumbled, and let go.

(xxx)

'Sweet victory,' Ryuuzaki gloated silently, rewarding himself with a handful of marshmallows back at headquarters. He spared a side-glance at his companion/foe/rival/compatriot, who now had two sets of his own shiny cuffs snapped onto his wrists and ankles.

Light looked awfully bewildered and befuddled, by the Death Note, by the Shinigami, and by…

"Ryuuzaki," he said firmly, though his eyes held a certain uncertainty, "There's no way I could be Kira! Someone can not murder and have no memory of it, that's—"

"—impossible, Light-kun?" L finished in a drawl, motioning to the ghastly figure in front of them, and the slim black notebook Matsuda was in the midst of examining.

Light shook his head, frustrated. "That can't—I would never do something like that!"

"Light," Soichiro said quietly, looking equally troubled by L's unwavering accusation that his son, without a doubt, had been Kira just an hour ago.

Light balled his fists and paced, mumbling about how things didn't make sense or how the pieces did not fit, when Ryuuzaki knew that Light believed in his heart that the pieces _did_ fit and it all _did _make sense. Though reluctant to admit it, Ryuuzaki felt the ghost of an inkling of sympathy: to be left without a memory of a crime, to be chasing after the criminal that had led to his capture and torture, and then to find that the criminal was himself all along must have felt beyond humiliating.

But L shrugged off compassion and emotion and left it to die in the dirt. L was the bastion of justice, not sentiment, and it had to be taken into account that it was _Light_ who made the conscious decision to flip open a murder notebook (how ridiculous a notion, _paper and pen could kill_) and write in the names of thousands.

L's brows furrowed. Now that he thought on it, Light's abrupt changes of attitudes…were the murders really due to his conscious efforts?

There was no evidence of awareness, perception, or the realization of existence after the boy had forsaken the notebook. L could see that with one look at his eyes.

(xxx)

_Light was gone._

_Physically, he was there, he remained as a shell in the world of the living, but it was clear that neither Kira nor Light was there with L in the helicopter. L clasped the notebook snugly and craned his paly neck to study Light's eyes, which had only moments before been glittering like moons. And now…_

_Eclipsed. No moons. New moons. Dead moons. Dead quiet, too, as there wasn't a peep from Light. Tentatively, L waved his spindly fingers in Light's face. He reacted in no way, only breathed evenly. L put a hand to Light's heart, which, thankfully, was beating at a normal rate._

_"Ryuuzaki? Ryuuzaki, did you find anything suspicious with that book?"_

_"Crazy…killing with a notebook…has to be fake, a trick to it."_

_Matsuda, Mogi, and Chief Yagami had gathered around the vehicle, apprehension shining in their faces against the high beams and searchlights. Soichiro, sensing L's tension, stepped over to peek through the window. His lips tightened into a thin line at the sight of his son, blankly gazing nowhere. _

_"Light? …Son?"_

_The voice of his father instilled new life into Light, and he shook himself out of his apparent daydream. With a puckered brow he snapped at L._

_"Why did you have to grab it from me? I'm part of this investigation, too, Ryuuzaki!"_

_L cocked his head jerkily. "I did not…take it from you, Light-kun, you gave it to me."_

_"Against my will. You know, it really takes no creativity to control me by threatening to up my Kira percentage."_

_L blinked and looked to Watari, who shook his head. To the best of both their memories, Ryuuzaki had done no such thing._

_Light folded his arms. "Are you done? Could I please have it back?"_

_L hunched over the notebook in his hands further, and edged away from Light. "No," he said severely. "No, I don't believe it is a good idea for you to come in contact with this, _Kira_."_

_"Excuse me?" A baffled Light sputtered. "You still think I'm Kira? After we caught—?"_

_Soichiro's walkie-talkie crackled with Aizawa's frantic voice._

_"Chief! Chief, Higuchi's…Higuchi's saying some weird things over here."_

_"What?" Soichiro barked._

_"He's …he's—"_

_"What is this? Do you know who I am? I'm Kyosuke Higuchi of the Yotsuba Corporation! Get these fucking cuffs off of me! This is wrongful imprisonment!"_

_Matsuda was bathing in disbelief. "Wrongful impri-? What? He practically admitted to being Kira just a few minutes ago, the idiot!"_

_"Un-cuff me! I pay your salary, damn it!"_

_Ryuuzaki glanced at Light, who appeared just as bemused as the rest of the team._

_'It's like that time before…with the imprisonment of Light Yagami and Misa Amane!'_

_L purloined the walkie-talkie from a shocked Soichiro's fist. "Aizawa-san, please ask him why he was on his way to Sakura TV this evening."_

_There was a static mumble and then:_

_"Any connection of Yotsuba Corporation to Kira would destroy the company. If that Taro Matsui falsely accused any of us of being Kira, then we would be fired, lynched, executed and—and more! It was only natural that I would seek him out!"_

_Aizawa answered him gruffly. "So you sought him out with a gun?"_

_To anyone, Higuchi's claims would be regarded as grandiose acting skills. L was not just anyone. There was a pattern to this, L knew. The strange reactions, touching the notebook, losing memories…there was something L was missing._

_L spoke with half distrust and half satisfaction, because this case was about to be wrapped up so neatly and nicely it was almost too good to be true. "Aizawa-san. Did Higuchi say or do anything strange before he started acting like this? Was there a turning point in his behavior?"_

_Aizawa didn't say anything for awhile and from the helicopter Ryuuzaki could see the man scratch his head of voluminous hair as he thought._

_"There is one thing, I guess. Something strange…"_

_Matsuda, Mogi, Soichiro, and even Light looked as if they were holding their breath. Ryuuzaki wanted so badly to make a wise crack about it, but fortunately decided that this was not the time._

_"He said, 'I give it up! I give up ownership!'"_

_**"It's this useless pride. I'll just have to…**_**get rid of it.**_**"**_

_There was the missing piece, and the key to Light's jail cell. L looked triumphantly around, lastly at his chained companion, and noted his furrowed brows rather than a look of raw hatred that one is _supposed _to wear when their terrible secret is out._

_Ryuuzaki gazed at Light from the corner of his eye, trying to imagine the boy, no, the _murderer,_ in an orange jumpsuit, the long, thin shadows of bars coloring his face in black and grey._

_His stomach tossed but he chalked it up to the slightly spoiled cheesecake he had had that afternoon._

(xxx)

Rem was not happy, as far as Shinigami go.

Light had failed to obtain his memories and ownership of the Death Note. This man, this L Lawliet, crouched by his side. His lifespan had more than doubled just an hour ago _and _was the new owner of the Death Note. L also liked to ask a lot of questions: questions that would probably incriminate both Light and Misa if she answered in the affirmative, so she kept her maw shut.

She stared blankly, denied having any knowledge of "This page of the notebook is torn; is it possible to successfully murder by writing on scraps of paper?" and "What is the 'trade'?" After each inquiry, she would glance nonchalantly at Light, who gazed back at her passively. She wished she could grab the book out of this L human's hands and shove it into Light's, but that surely would not guarantee Misa's safety. Rem quashed the desire to just catch a momentary glimpse of the blonde flashing on the many monitors; she was already exhibiting too much interest in Light Yagami and had thus interested L.

"Rem," L said, holding the notebook in a way the Shinigami had never seen humans hold anything, "do Shinigami normally find humans attractive? You seem to like to look at Light." Though that in of itself was not unusual, as Light was quite handsome.

Rem narrowed her eyes at L. Although it was true that she had developed something like emotion for Light, it was not as strong as the love she held for Misa and it would not be in their advantage if this affinity was revealed. "No. It is…taboo for a Shinigami to have feelings for a human. It is something one would be made fun of for back in our realm."

L nodded as if he understood. His terrible charcoal eyes slid toward Light, who sat moping in a chair.

"What's wrong, Light-kun?" he asked artlessly. "We have captured Higuchi and his notebook. This is no time to sulk."

"Shut up," the boy said curtly from behind his hands, slapped onto his face in apparent shame. "This is an excellent time to sulk. Just because of some harebrained comments from Higuchi and my panic attack in the helicopter, you are accusing me of being the original Kira. It's unjustified, Ryuuzaki. You will send both Misa and I off to the execution chambers because of _behavior_."

Rem stilled. Execution chambers…she had forgotten that Misa's life was still at stake.

"It's _strange_ behavior, Light-kun," Ryuuzaki asserted. "Why would you fight so hard to keep the notebook? It is also abnormal that Higuchi suddenly starts acting like he's innocent, just as you did when you went under surveillance. You both also made statements about renouncing custody of a certain something. I could get out the surveillance videos if you like."

"No need," Light grumbled.

"So, Rem," Ryuuzaki began, "What about memories and the Death Note? What happens when you give up ownership, such as with Higuchi's case?"

"I am unaware of the effect it would have on humans," the God of Death answered. "Shinigami have no need to delve into matters like giving up the Note, as it is the source of our existence."

Ryuuzaki pushed his thumb to his mouth, and Rem was reminded of a human infant. "You are being awfully careful with your words, Rem."

"Why should I share the secrets of the Death Note with the likes of humans?"

Ryuuzaki rolled around in his chair, chewing his marshmallows into a fine paste. "Is it really that…?" he mumbled to himself. "It sounds almost as if you are protecting someone."

Rem tried to make her face as neutral as possible. 'This man, L…he has the same mind as Light Yagami's…'

"Am I to assume that Higuchi will be useless for interrogation?"

This spider-human was really starting to get on Rem's last nerve. "I do not know. Why don't you see for yourself…_L_?"

That emphasis made L Lawliet, as the words floating over his head labeled him, stop nibbling his thumb and stare expressionlessly at Rem. Satisfaction washed over the Reaper as she saw the threat dawn on him: _she knows my name_.

L was never one to back down from threats, and so countered with his own.

"No, I don't believe Higuchi would be much help," L said thoughtfully. "Though, I do believe this case is wrapped up."

Aizawa, Ide, Yagami, Mogi and Matsuda shared strained glances. Watari entered the room with a cart filled with pastries, evidently unaware of the weight of the situation—the end of the Kira investigation. Soichiro coughed.

"Ah…so, your conclusion, Ryuuzaki?"

"Light was the original Kira. Misa and Higuchi were but both victims of Kira's influence." He ignored Soichiro's mouth working and Light's noxious gaze to pick out a cheese danish.

"Therefore, Misa and Higuchi will be imprisoned with a life sentence, and Light will be executed."

The clamor that was raised almost burst L's eardrums. He almost regretted testing his theory.

"What? I WAS NEVER—"

"Ryuuzaki?"

"No, you can't do that!"

'Oh no,' Rem moaned inwardly. Not as planned. She'd have to do something about this, or the human she was beginning to feel for would die and Misa would be miserable.

She was just about to take out her notebook, scribble his name down, and wait for the cold embrace of death when she realized that it didn't _have _to end. All she had to do was scare them a little. She was good at that. She had scared the mustachioed man with just her face.

"I can't let you do that, L," she said, stepping forward. "If you do indeed kill or imprison Light Yagami, I will kill you and everyone in this entire room. Perhaps other innocents if you really incense me."

'Not really, though,' Rem said to herself, 'because then I would die.' But they didn't need to know that.

The clamor died down and everyone took on a grim countenance. L's eyes bulged to some extant. This was insurmountable pressure, without a doubt. It still proved his theory, though.

He waggled his toes with zest. "So, you did lie? You like Light-kun, don't you? That means you must have met him before."

"We Shinigami do not have to have met a human to fall in love with him or her. Our bonds form through observation rather than through interaction. Anyway, what does it matter if what I say is a lie? It still stands that I will kill if you go through with your plans."

Ryuuzaki bobbed his head. "Yes, I see that."

Light shook his. "Rem, if you do like me, then you know I would not want you to kill innocents. Do not kill on my behalf. I can work this out on my own."

Rem was struck by this. The Kira she knew would have taken this threat and ran with it. This Light was sincere, genuine—best of all, if he had no intention of sacrificing others in his name, then that meant Misa would be safe. Rem reconsidered leaving the Note in L's hands. Maybe a world without Kira would be better for both parties in the end.

L crouched there, grinding his teeth upon his considerably red thumb. Light was seated beside him, glaring at him still; his execution comment wouldn't be forgotten for some time.

"Have you made your decision, L?" Rem demanded. She towered over him and made her eyes burn red for added effect. Just to make him, as she had heard humans say, "piss his pants" a little. The piss never happened but L did look a little annoyed.

He was cornered. It sounded as if Shinigami were not obliged to follow the rules of the human realm, never mind a democracy. What cell could hold a God of Death? What man could put out of commission Death itself? In fact (and this made L stop his biting altogether), there was nothing stopping Rem from tearing the notebook from his hands and writing all of their names in it right now.

L huddled over his knees gloomily. "Let me think about it," he muttered. With that, after ordering the others to watch Light closely and motioning for Watari to follow him, he wandered off to the security room.

Stupid supernatural entities crushing on humans…

The blue glow of security monitors and computer screens and their droning did nothing to soothe L's woes, and he bitterly tore at his danish.

"Any ideas, Watari?"

The old man shook his head and watched Rem on the monitor. "You know you could not execute Light, anyway. There is no hard evidence."

"No," Ryuuzaki said sourly. "No, I suppose not."

Rather, there was no evidence that Light was truly Light when he murdered. Ryuuzaki blinked away visions of the burgundy-almost-blood-red eyes flaring at him from under Light's bangs.

"It isn't as if you could let him go, either."

"I need to watch him," L mused. "That reaction in the helicopter was so strange. I do not want to risk confirming my 'contact revives memories' theory and bring Kira back into the world…"

They became mute and so sat there eyeing the monitors.

'I need a way to bind myself to Light-kun without angering the Shinigami. It has to be in such a way that promises the Shinigami that Light-kun will be safe…it can't seem as if I'm imprisoning him. I have to show her that Light-kun is benefiting in the end, that he's happy with the arrangements. I can do this. This is all to supervise his actions. I won't lose to anyone: not to Kira and certainly not to a disturbingly affectionate Grim Reaper.'

During his inner monologue, L's eye happened upon the gold loop around Watari's ring finger. From his many discussions with his mentor, L had discovered that even the elder man had secrets he could not unveil. That went ten-fold for matters concerning Watari's wedding band: whenever conversation tiptoed even mistakenly in its direction, it would be veered off course by a blatant rerouting of topic. It was so intriguing to him that L, though respectful of the other's privacy, gleaned whatever he could from the tidbits Watari had handed him over the past seventeen years. All L could discover was that Watari was a widower and the incident tragic…

"A way to bind myself to Light-kun," Ryuuzaki spoke softly.

Watari looked at him, then at Ryuuzaki's line of sight. The old man squared his shoulders. "What?" he said sharply.

The genius hooked his finger onto his lower lip and rolled his eyes to the ceiling in thought. "Watari, I don't mean to pry, but how did you exactly 'pop the question'?"

Watari threw L a stern look and stood up abruptly. "No."

"If you are uncomfortable with giving me the exact words, could you at least lend me some tips?"

"No, I mean, you are not going to do what I think you are going to do. Have you gone mad? He became Kira by just holding the notebook. I know you are attempting to monitor him and soothe that beast out there, Ryuuzaki, but if you were to marry him, you would be marrying _the enemy_. If he gains his memories while your back is turned—"

"I do not turn my back to anyone," Ryuuzaki affirmed stubbornly, clacking away at his laptop. He peered at the screen, blinking blearily through the lights. "You think Light-kun would be happy with a simple band or a diamond ring? He isn't too ostentatious but I'd like to show him that I'm serious."

"Ryuuzaki," Watari said gruffly, shaking the man by the shoulders. "_L_, please, please listen to me. You are like a son to me. No, you _are_ my son. I will not lose my son to such a stupid decision!"

"I know what I'm doing, Watari," L said thinly. "I know the dangers involved. I am doing my job, the same as I've been doing since I was thirteen years old. Nothing you say will stop me. _This needs to be done and you know it_."

One could hear a pin drop, could hear Watari's heart almost fail him as he thought of the many scenarios in which this path would lead to L's death. Then—

"Now, do you think he would like this 14K or this 18K? Personally, I think that 18K looks too showy…"

Watari sighed dejectedly. "Could you not marry him off to an agent? Someone you could trust?"

"I trust no one but myself, Watari," L said. He then frowned. "Light-kun's ring size would be about an 8. Damn. This one is only available in sizes 6 and 7…"

His shoulders slumped, Watari fell into his chair. He drew no comfort from the fact that Soichiro Yagami would be in the same boat as he.

(xxx)

A whole hour later after sending Watari out to the local jeweler, Ryuuzaki emerged from the security room with a box clamped tightly in both hands, as if he were cupping a butterfly in them, and strode over to Light in that languid, slippery way that was reminiscent of a sleepwalker. Light did not know why, but as he saw the box surge closer to him, he felt as if he were about to break out into hives. He cringed; whatever Ryuuzaki had in store for him was sure to be a messy affair.

"I am of the opinion," L announced in his patented bored tone, "that I have come up with a plan that will leave everyone sated, more or less."

Chief Yagami adjusted his glasses to get a better view of the small cube Ryuuzaki was holding and his eyes widened slightly having recognized it. It was perchance similar to the one that he had held at least eighteen years ago, one that had housed a special gift still hugging his wife's finger to this day.

L spoke unhurriedly. He had seen Yagami explode before, and was in no rush to provoke his rage. "Light-kun, no doubt you have realized the…similarities between us during our time chained together, yes?"

Light wondered why his father was sweating so liberally. He nodded, hands clasped in his lap. "There's no question about that. An outsider may say that we share the same brain." He laughed at this, finding the notion ridiculous.

His smile just as sallow and faded as his skin, Ryuuzaki pressed on. "Then…you could also say we….we are two halves?"

The fugitive's stomach cart wheeled. Halves? He and L? The thought was thrilling—to think, he had found a match to his brain after eighteen long years of tedium. L, though shaped differently from Light in appearance and form, curling like a fetus away from the rest of the human race, mirrored his confidence, athletic ability, and most importantly _intelligence_. Even the fact that L ostracized himself from people, though admittedly to an extreme Light was unwilling to go, promoted a faint sense of camaraderie in Light. They fought, yes, but the fights, of fists storming the battlefield of flesh, were but love letters of rivalry, sealed with black eyes rather than kisses.

Halves? He and L? "Yes, I suppose. What is it, Ryuuzaki?"

Light could actually smell the anxiety rolling off his father in waves. Before he could even ask what the man's problem was, why Watari looked so disapproving, why Mogi was so flushed, why Aizawa had a palm clapped over his forehead, why Ide's face had turned to stone, why Matsuda looked so confused (he didn't really have to ask that one, really, because the man always looked confused), Ryuuzaki had shoved the box in his face so Light could read the brand name jeweler scrawled on top (why the hell would Ryuuzaki buy him jewelry, though? Light could understand celebrating the closure of the case, but this was just excessive) and opened it. The boy anticipated a black, grimy smoke to flow out of it and release all of its earthly worries and evils to the world. No such thing happened—there were no demons of lust, rage, poverty and murder crawling in it, only a ring, and that, Light felt, was worse.

All the pieces clicked for him, just as they had for L in the helicopter, and he focused his amber eyes on the wedding band then raised them to L's face, vaguely aware of his own slightly unhinged jaw. Ryuuzaki looked serious. He looked really, really serious. Shit. Oh, _shit_.

"Then, let us unite the halves."

The uproar was just as tremendous as before.

"Whoa, hold on!" Aizawa.

"I think…I think my brain just broke." Ide.

"…" Mogi.

"Ryuuzaki was gay all this time?" Matsuda. Of course.

"You are mad," Light declared. "You are positively mad. Is this your mad way of getting us to drive you to the hospital? I'm sure Watari would have been more than happy to do so if you just asked him." Light wished he weren't joking playfully, however, because he really did want this to be the consequence of L's insanity. Light knew deep down that L did everything for a reason: a good, logical reason. Which meant Light would have to follow through with Ryuuzaki's plans because Light was a creature of logic himself.

But if Ryuuzaki had gone off his rocker, he would have no reason to have a hand in this whole ridiculous plot. So Ryuuzaki was insane. Case closed.

"I would like to ascertain that I am quite well psychologically. Watari confirmed this after many rigorous tests regarding my psyche, on which I received exceptional grades. Would you like to see the results?"

Light shot a look to Watari, who inclined his head. Well…this was unfortunate. So there was a reason, a legitimate reason for this insanity. He dropped his head into his hands. "Explain. Explain this."

Just as Ryuuzaki considered investing in the belief of God, because surely it was by the grace of a God he had not yet been pummeled, shot, or shouted at by Yagami (or, as he thought with some amusement, his future father-in-law), the police chief interjected. Ryuuzaki was certain he was not the only one ogling the vein threatening to pop out of the man's forehead. Spittle virtually splattered everywhere and Ryuuzaki actually feared that the chief had contracted rabies.

"What is there to explain? My son is not marrying you, Ryuuzaki!"

Light held up his hand. "Dad, please listen to what Ryuuzaki has to say. I'm sure there is a justification to this."

"Yes," Ryuuzaki said, plopping the opened box onto a simultaneously surprised and mortified Light's lap, "but I would like Rem to hear this."

No sooner had he said that that the female Shinigami had phased through the wall behind Matsuda, who jumped and shrieked.

"Oh man," he moaned, "I'm never going to get used to that."

"Rem," Ryuuzaki addressed, pointedly ignoring Matsuda, "I am going to marry Light-kun. Is this an agreeable arrangement with you?"

Rem regarded the man with caution. "Marriage?"

"Ah, yes, you probably do not know. It is a human custom, where—"

"I know what marriage is. I just don't understand what you would gain by marrying Light Yagami. Traditionally, men and women marry each other and begin a family. I know enough about human anatomy that two males can not do this." She looked from L to Light.

"Unless one of you is female…"

"No, we are both decidedly male," L calmly explained. "In short, if I were to marry Light-kun, I would be able to keep watch over him and ensure that he never becomes Kira without imprisoning or killing him."

'What about Misa?' Rem was about to ask, but stopped. It would only hurt the girl if she displayed too much concern in her wellbeing. No, it would be better if she used Light as a decoy.

"What about his lover?" Rem demanded. "The female, Misa Amane—he would be unhappy if she dies, correct?"

"Yes, Ryuuzaki," Light agreed. "You do not have any real proof that Misa was aware of her actions. Imprisoning or killing her will not allow us to find the truth."

Rem suddenly felt her fondness for Light Yagami grow.

L scratched absentmindedly at an itch on his leg. "Amane-san…will be put under house arrest while we investigate the Note further. Mogi will continue to be her manager."

'After all, Amane-san was hardly the mastermind behind all this.'

Rem loomed over the two males, content with this solution. 'Misa will not be in any danger of being used as Kira's pawn. She will not have to suffer the death of a loved one…"

She frowned, a thought occurring to her. Ever since that "interview" at Yotsuba, Misa knew of she and Light being the original Kiras. Coupled with her personality and her intense love for the sociopath, there was a chance she would act out and throw a wrench in Rem's carefully laid plans and, thus, endanger herself...just to 'win' Light back or get revenge on Ryuuzaki. Rem had to fight to keep her expression impassive.

However, Rem trusted Misa's affections for Light to be pure: if she saw that Light did, indeed, love L, she might back down. She would not interfere with the marriage, therefore keeping L and Light together, therefore keeping Kira in check and therefore keeping Misa out of harm's way.

Rem sighed and was fortunately unheard because of the commotion Soichiro Yagami was making. Why did humans have to be so complicated?

"…I _am _sensitive to the situation, Ryuuzaki. You are trying to save us and many innocent people, I understand. Nonetheless, do you know the first thing about marriage? About relationships? I accept that Light is a genius but my son is still eighteen years old. You are both two young…and, er, too male, frankly, to marry!"

"I am not that young, Yagami-san. I am at least twenty-five."

The chief blithered. "Tw-twenty-five? You're seven years older than him! He isn't ready for marriage!"

"If he was prepared to kill countless criminals…"

"Enough of that! There has to be some other way. What about Amane-san? How is she going to feel about all this?"

"The way Misa-san will feel is irrelevant, Yagami-san. This is the only way of putting Light legally in my custody and ensuring the safety of those the Shinigami might execute. If it will put you at ease, we will be purchasing a house soon, and this will permit you and your family to see him whenever we are in the country, Yagami-san."

Yagami rubbed his temples. It was true that Sachiko and Sayu were getting increasingly worried about Light and it was also tempting that this marriage would be an opportunity for his child to see something besides the grey, sterile walls of the investigation headquarters. "Why can't you…wait. What do you mean, 'whenever we are in the country'?"

Carefully, L stepped onto his favorite swivel chair and squatted upon it. "As my husband, Light will be required to travel the world with me, solving crimes by my side. He might even be assigned his own letter."

Light's ears perked at this, shaken out of his skepticism. _Now_ they were talking.

Noticing the change in Light's attitude, L continued. "He would also be eligible to take over the position of 'L' should I die and would inherit my…considerable assets."

Chief Yagami just about roared. "I don't care. Do you think I care about those things? We capture Kira and now you come up with some deranged plot that my son is the true Kira because you are unwilling to let go of your hunch. In turn, your hunch galvanizes this monster to _threaten us_! No, you are in fact unwilling to let go of Light! If I didn't know better, I would have thought that you had your eyes on Light from the beginning of the investigation…maybe even planned all this with the Shinigami! First handcuffs, now this?"

"Dad!" Light said, a little more roughly than usual. Seeing his father taken aback by his tone, Light spoke in a gentler voice. "Dad, please. This is for the good of everyone here. I'm not…well, I'm not all that happy with the measures L has taken, but they make sense. It's the best means out of our dilemma. Think of the people we'll be saving."

Soichiro paced, wiping the sweat from his brow with a handkerchief Watari had kindly handed him. He groaned and leaned up against the wall.

"I guess there's no way to make you both reconsider? There's no other possible plan?" he mumbled jadedly. The man looked so defeated that Ryuuzaki commiserated: all in one night the chief had been shot, captured Kira, had to deal with more accusations that his son was the true Kira, was menaced by a Reaper, and now his son was being married off to a disturbed detective with dreadful posture. The stress must have been overwhelming.

"No," Ryuuzaki said simply. "Am I right in assuming that Light consents to this agreement?"

"Yes," Light said, after a moment. "Yes, we have to do this."

Rem realized everyone was looking to her for an answer, and she bowed her head. "This is an acceptable agreement, L and Light Yagami. Proceed with it however you wish. Light Yagami's happiness is mine."

Suddenly, it seemed as if the strain in the room lessened a little, and Matsuda laughed in relief. "There you go; a happy ending! What do you guys say to some champagne? We have two occasions to celebrate now, eh?"

"Shut up, Matsuda," Soichiro growled but the man obviously did not hear him as he bounced out the door.

"Please," L said, taking hold of this opportunity for at least partial solitude, "everyone go out and enjoy yourselves. There is no reason to be cooped up in here any longer. The case is solved. I only ask for all of you to be on call in case of any…future incidents."

The rest of the task force, save for Yagami, pardoned themselves awkwardly and left. Some stifling silence reigned. Light examined his watch and started: it was five in the morning. He glanced at L who, of course, did not look exhausted in the least, and watched his father with round eyes.

"I'm sorry, you two," Soichiro forced out, sinking into a couch with Watari's help. "I didn't mean to explode. I understand this is something we must do. But you must imagine how very strange it is for Light to be engaged all of a sudden to…to…"

L shuffled over to the couch to permit his _fiancée _(the word sounded weird even in L's head)to sit with his distraught father. "Yes," he said dispassionately, crouching next to Light. "It is surprising. But this would be a better explanation to your wife why you and Light were not talking, at any rate."

"Ah," the man sighed. "I see…about that…you plan on introducing yourself to my wife and Sayu, right, Ryuuzaki?"

'Well, now I have to,' L griped inwardly. He affirmed this and Soichiro closed his eyes.

"Then…could you both pretend to be in love, for her? My wife would be crestfallen if her son was not marrying for love."

L thought he could hear his and Light's hearts shudder to a halt communally. Going through the motions of marriage, signing documents, wearing rings, cutting the cake in tandem, toasting each other at the wedding ceremony and all that was fine; however, to play at love, to kiss and hold hands? L and Light shared looks of disbelief.

Try as he might, L could not deny this officer his wish, especially when Watari raised his eyebrows at him. _You run this man through the mill and refuse him his aspiration?_ Damn Watari and his infernal eyebrows.

Just as Light opened his mouth to (gently) disagree to the deal, L opened his. "Yes," he said. "Please get some sleep, Yagami-san. I think it is wise for you to spend the night here."

And soon, Soichiro Yagami was asleep.

Watari excused himself to the security room, making preparations to go to bed as well, and Light covered his yawning mouth. He was so tired he almost did not register L offering his hand to him. Light had just enough energy to glare. This whole thing was more than a little humiliating already. What would he do next, carry him bridal style across the threshold?

"Practice," L whispered, even though he knew Light did not need to practice a game of pretend. "And it would be hard for Light-kun to walk in his…state." L's eyes dragged downward to his shackled feet and Light grudgingly took his hand. He was not so stubborn to refuse help, particularly with the uselessness of his rubbery, exhausted and bound legs. They padded softly down the long corridor, L guiding him.

Light felt an unexplainable need to taint the hush. "Crazy day…"

"Yes," Ryuuzaki responded quietly. "Yes, very."

"You know, you could have just cuffed me to your hand, Ryuuzaki, like before."

"I rather hate those handcuffs, so no thank you. _I_ am not the one being punished."

"…My mother is going to flip out. Can you imagine Misa's reaction?"

"Light-kun, I don't even want to know."

They reached the bedroom and when Light threw his body onto the bed, he was instantaneously swimming through dreams. Ryuuzaki stood over Light in the darkness, going over Yagami's words.

_"If I didn't know better, I would have thought that you had your eyes on Light from the beginning of the investigation…maybe even planned all this with the Shinigami! First handcuffs, now this?"_

Had his eyes on Light from the beginning? Subconsciously…? It was an idea he had rolled around his head from time to time. The photo of Light that L first saw popped into his mind. He had looked at the student's empty eyes and plastic smile just once and thought with a thrill, 'This is Kira. This boy, right here.' Ryuuzaki stuffed his hands into his pockets. There was always something that magnetized him to Light, like negative and positive poles drawn to one another, so he supposed Yagami's notwithstanding delirium-induced theory was correct, in a way...

Ryuuzaki shambled onto the bed, eyes never leaving Light's disturbingly almost-angelic face. Holy matrimony to Light Yagami. A few months ago he would have considered laughing. Still, Light was a clever boy who could hold an intellectually stimulating conversation or debate. Hell, L didn't have to _explain_ things half the time to him (his reasoning, his assumptions, etc). He could always talk to Watari and always had a strong friendship with the man but it wasn't the same as it was missing one exhilarating factor: he couldn't fight with his elderly mentor. Light, on the other hand…

L brushed over a bruise he had received a few days ago, when he had told Light that he believed him to be a murderer and that looking into his eyes would not dispel this notion. Light's eyes had fluttered closed, and then L realized he was receiving a fistful of hatred, slamming straight into his cheek. He suddenly felt light-hearted—from now on, even if he were forced to work horribly lackluster cases, he would always have Light to bounce ideas off of, to squabble with, and, most significantly, to play tennis with.

Maybe this marriage business would be interesting.

'Tomorrow we will have to visit his mother and sister. It won't be that uncomfortable to hold Light-kun's hand, I think. I have found that his skin is not rough or clammy, a discovery made only now after months of sleeping in the same bed. There's a 93 percent chance Sachiko Yagami will be disconcerted by us kissing, so there is a very small probability of that happening, fortunately…'

They would do this, and they would do this flawlessly. After all, they were both brilliant actors.

(xxx)


	2. Breaking the News

**Title: **All Dressed in Off-White

**Pairing: **LxLight

**Rating: **PG-13 (my default rating)

**Summary: **The chains meant "'til death do us part" already. The ring just made it official. Multi-chaptered.

**Key: **'words' thinking

**Chapter 2: Breaking the News**

Light woke up next to Hideki Ryuuga that morning, like he had for the past four months. Not the famous pretty-boy singer, no. To allow Light Yagami a night with someone attractive would be pushing his luck with the gods (of death or of polytheism, Light did not know and did not care). Instead, he awakened next to Hideki Ryuuga, fellow ace student at To-oh University and rival tennis champion.

He was also the great and mysterious detective L, which may be considerably impressive to the average person. The detective's aura of greatness usually ceases to affect, Light found, when the man orders your own father to aim a gun at your head. Or chains you to his wrist for several months and then forces you to sleep with him; sleep in his bed, not, you know, with L himself.

Light's bleary eyes took vague heed of his surroundings and he froze. To say he was _next_ to his colleague would be incorrect, as his head had decided, during the night, to nestle on…on…

"It looks as if Light-kun wishes to become better acquainted with my lap. I am sorry to say that we will have to save such intimacy for the wedding night—we have to get ready to visit Amane-san."

L dodged Light's assault to his head and rolled off the bed, landing smoothly on his feet. Emitting a small "oomph," Light's own unsuccessful attack forced him backwards off the bed and onto the carpet below. Light scowled behind L's back and raised his fist to deal some serious damage when he saw he was still dressed in his white button-down shirt and khakis. He had to look twice, as L had also decided to remove his bindings.

'Damn it, I just had this whole thing ironed, too…'

The issues wrinkles brought to the table were far outstripped by that alabaster, padded box on the night table towering over him. The revelation of the night before and Ryuuzaki's dreadful words "wedding night" hit Light full force. He was going to marry Ryuuzaki. He was engaged to Ryuuzaki. He was getting hitched to Ryuuzaki. It all sounded so terrible and it _wasn't_, surprisingly, because he was wedding another male: the sense of dread stemmed from the fact that the male happened to be L. This was that ungainly, gangly man who battled him while serenading him with Hammurabi's Code, who offered friendship while coolly blaming him of mass murder, who was known to the world as an ink splash of the English alphabet. Light could see his future now, waking up in the morning every day from this point on, sidled by the man whose gaze would be focused like lasers on his face, watchful of any sign of Kira. He would awaken to this face, with its wide, shadowed occuli and a mouthful of accusations.

He almost wished he had slept with L last night instead.

This prospect jointly despaired and infuriated Light, and the boy put down his fists to lift his leg, aiming a blow at L's left shin.

Before his toe could even scrape him, Ryuuzaki grappled Light's soaring ankle. "Light-kun is acting like a very ungrateful, spoiled brat when I was benevolent enough to take off his cuffs as to not embarrass him in front of his mother."

A falsehood, of course: it would be silly to bother with the handcuffs now that L had his theory and shrewd speculations that Light would only turn Kira when handling the notebook physically. And by "theory and shrewd speculations", he meant, of course, he was 99.9 percent sure that he was correct.

That Light would turn Kira when L's back was turned was a sheer impossibility. Last night, L had instructed Watari that the notebook was to be locked in a password-guarded suitcase in room number 413, supervised by twelve security cameras and ten infrared cameras. All L had to do was keep Light within his sights. Knowing someone as ingenious as Kira, though…

Ryuuzaki squeezed his ankle just as he squeezed the thought out of his precious grey matter. "Consider it an early wedding gift."

"Shut up," Light bit out, and thrashed.

Ryuuzaki felt a migraine coming on. "We will fight later, Light-kun, and I promise you a fulfilling encounter. We have business to attend to."

Light's arms paused in mid-flail, then collapsed to the floor like rag doll limbs. "Misa," the brunet groaned. "This isn't going to be fun."

Ryuuzaki trundled his way to the door. "Someone shouldn't have kissed her and inspired her obsessive love, then." His candlestick-white fingers latched onto the doorknob and he looked at Light from over his shoulder.

Picking himself off the ground and brushing himself off spared Light the time to think. Kissing Misa was something he faintly recalled and made him a little sick inside. Light, finding that he could not put his finger on why this was, was bothered, to say the least. It wasn't like him to take advantage of a woman or kiss one he wasn't attracted to in the least.

"Misa instigated it," was his excuse, though he had a feeling that this was more a lie than anything else.

"I see. Well, come along, Light-kun. Greet your father and we will be off to break the news to Amane-san."

"Then my mother."

"Then your mother."

"Then my sister."

"Yes, your kid sister. Is there anyone else we should share the news with; the family dog or a next door neighbor, perhaps?"

L had seized Light's arm and was speed-shuffling down the hall to the main investigation room. Light had to keep from snorting. The man was obviously anxious to get this all over with. Since Light was cruel and still hadn't exonerated the social retard of his crimes beginning with an "en" and ending in "gagement," he deliberately slowed his pace to a crawl.

L did not even turn to his fiancée. "Is your foot hurting you, Light-kun? Would you like me to carry you?"

The fist landed straight and true, cracking L in the skull. Before he knew it, Ryuuzaki's face was planted in the plush carpeting he loved so much to squish between his toes. He recovered, pushed his body from the floor, and swung a leg forward in a sort of semi-circle, knocking Light's own legs out from under him. The boy went down, head knocking loudly on the floor.

L bent over the body, scanning it with cold eyes. "I am sensing hostility from Light-kun. I thought he recognized how imperative it was for us to be wedded. Surely it is not I who you are blaming—"

"Yes," Light snapped. "Yes, I do blame you. Ryuuzaki, you and your stupid mouth and its inclination to overstep boundaries almost killed us. I think death would have been the better option- I would not be walking down the aisle with you to my _doom_."

"Be that as it may, this is something we both must tolerate. You haven't realized my pain at all, Light-kun. I have to marry a thick-headed, arrogant college student who thinks he just needs to pluck some strings to make everyone around him dance and smile and fall in love with him. I-" Ryuuzaki pushed his face into Light's, his breath puffing over the younger male's cheeks, nose brushing his.

"I don't have any strings. I see who the puppet master is, and that is me, Light Yagami. I am trying to collectively save the world from an idealist and a God of Death, so please, please, please try to think about someone besides yourself for a minute and try to, as some semblance of a human, expedite my schedule here. I want this thing with Amane-san and your mother over and done with."

Secretly in agreement with that last sentence, Light shut up. The grand sleuth out to save the planet pivoted on his foot, and dragged Light to the main room.

Soichiro was up and alert, a mug of steaming coffee in his hands. He started and his baggy eyes zeroed in on L's hand, which had Light's in his own grip. Not noticing this, or perhaps not caring, L raised a hand in hello.

"Good morning, Yagami-san. Pardon your son's bedraggled appearance; he has been less than cooperative in the bedroom."

The accidental innuendo was lost on Ryuuzaki but not on Yagami, who spluttered into his mug.

"Hello, Dad," a red-cheeked Light grumbled, lugged to his feet by Ryuuzaki. "Don't pay any attention to Ryuu—"

Ryuuzaki, ever the polite person, interposed. "Yagami-san, have you had a chance to call your wife and tell her that we're on our way?"

Yagami's gaze darted back and forth from Ryuuzaki and Light, attempting to subtly ignore the hand-holding before replying. "I-I have. My wife was so overjoyed that Light was returning that she, ah, hung up the phone to get ready right away before I had the opportunity to tell her of…of the proposal."

L refrained from groaning. So they themselves would have to divulge this dear piece of information to an unprepared Sachiko and her teen daughter. Excellent.

Light's thoughts followed the same grain. He knew his mother loved him enough that she would not disown him because of something silly like this, but he felt sorry for what her heart would have to go through. Unconsciously, Light's fingers flexed, accidentally squeezing some piece of flesh and when Light looked down to see that it was L's hand (oh, _for god's sake_) he went to move away. L had other plans, pulling Light past his father and Watari, who notified them that Amane had been up since an hour ago.

They tramped up the staircase, no words passing between them barring Rem's, who hovered alongside them.

"Light Yagami," she addressed, "if you do not desire to hurt Misa Amane, I advise you to pretend you are in love with L, as you plan to do in front of your mother."

"That will do nothing, Rem," L groused lowly as they climbed. "Amane-san will be hurt no matter what. Her affection for Light-kun is infinite: no doubt she will fight me to the death for the right to marry him."

They reached her door and no sooner had L passed the card key through the slot had Misa Amane, gothic Lolita superstar, launched herself at Light like a blonde bullet. Rem was filled at joy at the sight of her safe and sound, but was filled with dread for the sight to come.

Misa either did not see her or remembered that she had to take no notice of her. "Light-kun!" she cried in joy. "My love circuits were going crazy so I knew it was you who had come to rescue me from this prison!"

"That," L said, discreetly letting go of Light's hand to grab hold of his forearm, "or Amane-san was trying to flee. Up by twelve percent."

Misa stuck her tongue out at Ryuuzaki and her vision dropped to the space between them, unoccupied by a long, silver chain. She squeaked. "Is Light-kun's name cleared?"

"Not quite." Ryuuzaki pulled Light (and Misa, who was latched onto his neck) into the room while shutting the door behind them, a sharp beep signaling that it had successfully locked.

Even the air-headed Misa could sense the foreboding atmosphere and so frowned as she let go of her darling to sit on the couch beside him. She peered around Light to pout at the detective hunkering down to Light's left, who was inexplicably clinging to her boyfriend more than usual.

"Ryuuzaki," Misa whined, "let go of Light-kun, you're bothering him. Isn't he cleared of all suspicion? Isn't that why you took off that stupid chain?"

Clearing his throat, Ryuuzaki called for Watari on his phone, requesting three slices of cake to be brought up, and looked to the ceiling for moral support.

'Please help me through this, ceiling,' was L's prayer. 'We've been through some tough times together but I don't know if I'm going to make it this time. Guide my exchanges with Amane-san so that they end in as little physical injury as possible.' And, as an afterthought: 'Protect Light-kun, as well.'

Amane smacked Ryuuzaki on the knee. "Listen, pervert, when I'm talking to you! Light-kun and I aren't going to take your abuse anymore! Either you release us or I'll sick all of my lawyers on you! You can not keep Light-kun away from me!"

"Actually, Amane-san," L said, picking through his words, "I can. I have every single right to, since last night."

It almost sounded as if L took on a boastful tone; however, Light liked to think he knew better.

Watari entered the room with his own keycard, holding a platter of small chocolate cakes.

"Oh?" Misa retorted. "What is it, Ryuuzaki? Have you tortured a confession out of my knight with your…with your kinky chains and leg spreader bars, you sexually-repressed maggo-?"

"Light-kun and I"—L broke off to take his dessert from Watari—"…are getting married."

Watari set the tray on the table and skedaddled.

Misa's reaction was fairly comical. Her lips widened into a perfect ring of astonishment, as did each of her outlined eyes, and her hands shot up to frame her face in horror. There was only the hum of L munching his chocolate gateau, fork clinking against the porcelain as if counting down to Misa's vocals.

_And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three…_

Her scream was terrible. It rattled the entire investigation building like thunder so that L feared that Watari had gone into cardiac arrest from alarm. The J-pop siren from hell leapt atop the couch and pointed dramatically at Ryuuzaki.

"You are a liar! You are a disgusting liar! Ugh, as if Light-kun would ever marry something as weird as you! A guy, too!"

"I am not lying, Amane-san. If you refuse to believe me, then feel free to ask Light-kun."

Misa did not immediately ask. Instead, her eyes snapped quickly to the Shinigami lingering behind Ryuuzaki, the question clear: _does he not have his memories back? _Rem shook her bandaged head very slightly and Misa's frown dipped further.

Thankfully, Ryuuzaki was engrossed in his cake and by the time he looked at her, the girl was glaring pointedly at him.

Misa sniffed and implored, "Light-kun, sweetheart, can you stop your stupid detective friend from saying these improper, gross things?"

'Here we go,' the youth thought with a cringe, coughing. "Misa," he started soothingly, "Ryuuzaki is telling the truth. We're doing this because—"

Light didn't get the slimmest of chances to conclude that sentence because Misa had bolted at Ryuuzaki like a tiger, passion pink-painted claws intent on rending.

"Misa Misa will break your legs!" she trilled. They tumbled to the floor, Light joining them as L had chosen at the precise moment of the attack to tauten his hold on him. There was a whirlwind of kicks, scratches and punches (of which Light was the prominent recipient). Twenty minutes of scuffling later, Light had restrained his former "lover" as she swiped at Ryuuzaki, who eyed her with a mix of hilarity and circumspection.

"You corrupted my Light-kun!" she howled. "I knew it! Misa Misa knew you were doing terrible things to her Light-kun at night! She heard the squeaky springs and the yelps but she ignored them because she didn't want to face the awful truth!"

Grimacing, Light forced his brain to stop running with that thought, except Misa's previous statement of **LEG SPREADER BARS** ruthlessly conjured nightmarish imagery. "What do you mean, Misa?" he asked casually, because he was considering finishing the work she began on Ryuuzaki if the past months of "observation" were a far creepier pretense for something else.

"All of those noises Amane-san heard were in her head, I am afraid," Ryuuzaki maintained. "Every wall, floor, and ceiling in this building is soundproof. So, even if Light-kun and I were engaging in relations," – Light's nails drove themselves deeply in the couch to keep himself from squawking rather uncharacteristically—"you would not hear it." He scooped cake into his mouth as if it were going out of style and regarded Amane with wide eyes.

"I am afraid it is just that Amane-san has a sick imagination, yet she deems _me_ to be the pervert."

What came next was unexpected. Misa fastened herself to the corner of the couch like lichen on a rock, scrunched her body into a ball, and bawled hysterically.

"G-go away! You're b-both perverts! I c-can't believe you…you m-misled m-m-me!"

Light found himself feeling sorry for the girl and exhaled noisily. "Misa, circumstances have only left us one option. I apologize for… leading you on, as you believe me to be culpable for, but you have to accept this. We aren't doing this because we want to."

"Th-that's what Ryuuzaki said about the chains!" she yammered. "Look now where you are! He has d-debased poor, unwitting Light-kun!"

Slaughtering the last crumb of the cake, Ryuuzaki got up. "Amane-san, we must cut this short. In a few weeks, we will release you from here but you will be put under house arrest for an indeterminate amount of time. Mogi will serve as your manager." He placed the plate on the table.

"I will have Watari bring up some Kleenex for you to use at your disposal."

With that, they left, Light jerked along by the chain that was Ryuuzaki's arm.

Rem played "follow the leader" for awhile to avoid suspicion on L's part, then flew to Misa's side once they were debating the proper approach to revealing the engagement to Light Yagami's mother…and had made a few alterations to the monitoring of Misa's room.

"Misa," she asked, "are you okay?"

She gave no reply, simply looked at the winking eye of the camera above them.

"I disabled them temporarily. Watching Ryuuzaki and Watari has paid off in the end."

"In that case, no," Misa mumbled into the couch. "No, I'm not okay."

'That much was obvious,' Rem thought. She stood there helplessly as Misa sobbed.

"That pervert," she croaked, "stole Light-kun away…"

'They _were_ trying to explain what was going on,' the Shinigami thought, though she doubted Misa would care for the non-romantic explanation either. In fact, it may have been better that Misa did not know. Rem was the cause of this marriage, after all, and the last thing the Shinigami wanted was her beloved human to have any ill will towards her.

"Misa Amane, have you not considered that Light is actually in love with Ryuuzaki?"

Misa seemed to shake with rage. "Light-kun would never fall in love with a creep like Ryuuzaki! Light-kun loves me…Ryuuzaki is just taking advantage of him!"

"What if they really are in love? What would convince you of that?"

"I don't care," Misa said stubbornly, hugging the side of the couch in misery. "Light-kun is mine. He's only acting like this because…"

She trailed off and if Rem had a heart, it would have frozen. 'No, no, Misa. Leave it be. Leave it be!'

Misa bounced on the cushion, gaining back her cheer. "That's it! That's it! Light-kun is only acting like this because- because he doesn't have his memories! Of course!"

"Misa…"

"All I have to do is make him remember, in secret!" Misa pumped a fist into the air and shone her eyes on Rem.

"So, how do I do it? How do I get his memories back?"

Rem contemplated adopting the human act of rubbing one's temples. 'She can't know. I could lie and say it's too late to do it…knowing Misa, she might not listen.'

"I can not tell that to you, Misa. The rules don't allow it."

"What?" the girl yelled. "Oh, _come on_- you and your dumb rules!"

"I can't help you, Misa. I am sorry—"

"Oh!" Misa cried, throwing herself onto the chaise longue. "Oh, go away, you brainless _lesbian_ Shinigami!"

Rem departed, the insult rolling off her ridged back. Not a scant minute later did a puzzled Watari turn the cameras back on.

(xxx)

Sachiko and Sayu Yagami did not even permit Light's heel through the door when they swept him up in bruising embraces. The genius was tossed in a flurry of scolding and weeping, mostly by his mother, and excited yammering from Sayu. There was nothing more flustering than loving assaults from your two female kin, was Light's resolution.

"Light! God, it's so great to have you back!" Sayu cried. "I can't believe you roomed with Misa Misa, you total dog! You're _nuts_ if you thought Dad would have—"

"My sweet boy!" Sachiko sniffed. "What were you thinking? I was worried sick about you, I could not even call—"

"—accepted you shacking up with her when you just started college. I thought you were supposed to be—"

"—your cell, could not even contact you, young man! I couldn't stand to eat, sleep without knowing where—"

"—a genius, jeez! I had to put up with Mom all by myself and—"

"—you went off to! Are you okay? Did you eat well, did—"

"—believe me, it wasn't easy. Seriously, Light—"

Ryuuzaki held back, watching as the star of this whole show suddenly forgot his lines and had to reassume the roles of perfect son and brother in front of a silently amused audience.

Soichiro coughed, about to interrupt the reunion, and Sachiko moved onto him. "You, sir! You haven't been home in forever!" she snapped. "Think about your family before your work once in awhile!"

"Sachi," Soichiro said tenderly, pulling her into a hug (a rare display of open affection, L noted from the surprise writ across his children's faces), "I'm sorry, but it was necessary."

"Necessary," Sachiko sighed, her excitement slowly cooling. "Everything is necessary with you."

She turned to her son, perhaps to rebuke him for rash decisions and poor choices of action, when she spotted a bent, slovenly, tired-looking man by the wayside, observing it all with a permanent look of shock. Sachiko blushed, realizing he had witnessed her outbursts and she had, rudely, overlooked him.

"I'm so sorry," she said, laughing nervously. "Who would you happen to be?"

Light disentangled himself from his sister's arms and smiled dashingly at his mother.

_Showtime_.

"Mom," he said, taking Ryuuzaki by the wrist and leading him through the doorway, "I want you to meet someone. This is—"

"Hideki," Ryuuzaki annoyingly interrupted. "Hideki Ryuuga. It is a pleasure to meet you, Yagami-san." He extended his hand, and Sachiko reciprocated.

"Oh!" she said, gripping the lithe fingers lightly, as if she would break them. "Oh, you gave the entrance speech along with Light! I remember now- I didn't know you and Light were friends!"

Light flashed his teeth and glanced at Ryuuzaki in a manner that (he hoped) would seem amative. "Yes. Friends. Hideki and I are _very_ good friends."

Soichiro pursed his lips. Each of Sachiko's eyes swelled to a sizable circumference and she clapped her hands. "Why, now, you must be good friends. Light didn't even address Misa in such a way!"

'Or any other companions,' Light added before being shoved, practically, into the living room with his father, sister and…"friend." They took their seats: Light made sure to sit exceedingly close to the crouching Ryuuzaki on the sofa, across from the couch taken up by Sayu and his father. Sachiko finally joined them with a tray of teacups and Sayu's homemade cookies.

"I hope, Ryuuga-san," she chattered, trying not to stare too much at the thumb-sucking man (her son truly must have a good heart, tolerating this obviously friendless student's eccentricities, keeping him such close company on that lonely sofa), "that you finally talked some sense into my son. Really, living with that girl…she's cute…but that attire…didn't seem to have much going on upstairs, either."

Ryuuzaki had to keep from snorting: even dear, inattentive Sachiko had sensed the aura of dullness Misa radiated. "Well, Yagami-san, I did have a part to play in all this," he said slowly and truthfully. "I did, in fact, convince Light to live with me in the end." He shifted slightly, and unobtrusively closed the gap between him and Light, who stiffened at the sudden addition of body heat…and, well, Ryuuzaki's ass _was_ touching his and that was not a very happy thing.

"Oh? Really?" Sachiko's pupils dilated a tick, darting to where the breach between her son's and this strange man's bodies had vanished. "How long?"

"Five months," Ryuuzaki responded, and then it was so quiet that he could _hear_ Soichiro's sweat decant from his pores.

Sayu frowned, putting a finger to her cheek, as if pondering this statement deeply. "Wait. Wasn't that how long Misa Misa was living with you, Light?"

Light smiled and gave a fidget, a thin sheen of anxiety applied to his presentation. "No, Sayu. Not Misa."

As Sayu stirred in confusion, Sachiko began wiping at the table with a nearby rag. Light recognized this as a symptom of his mother's growing uneasiness. It was time to put a different spin on the story and gain his mother's sympathy.

He heaved a sigh of despair. "Misa Misa...she broke up with me."

Sachiko stopped wiping the table and tears shimmered, pathetically transforming her eyes into two oval seas. "Oh, honey…"

Light saw Ryuuzaki bite his lip, as if to jail his laughter. He continued, filled with shame not at his lies, but at how hammed up this scenario was becoming. He put a hand over his heart, to signify that it was breaking. "She said that I…I was incapable of loving her. She said that my heart did not belong with her."

Sayu sniffed, like any true patron viewer of TV dramas would. "Oh, Light, that's totally untrue-!"

"No," Light said softly, "no, she was right. My heart did not belong to her. I found that out later. Much later."

Ryuuzaki made a point of looking away. 'You're pretty damn good at this, Light-kun…Not that I expected any less from you, Kira.'

"Heartbroken, I didn't sleep. I couldn't. I gave up on eating. Hideki…was the only one at the university to notice. He knows me, Mom. Hideki was always there for me, he always was since I entered college. We've always had this strange connection with our minds…"

Entranced with the story, Sachiko bobbed her head, eyes trained on her son.

"He insisted that I tell him what was the matter but I refused. I thought it was some stupid thing that he shouldn't worry about. He wouldn't stop asking me, each day. He would watch me and would never let me out of his sight. Then, one day, we were studying…"

Light paused to lean forward and clasp his hands together, avoiding the gaze of his family with a bowed head. "I hadn't eaten anything in a week. I felt so tired…and then I slid out of my chair…and underwent a…ah…dizzy spell." Cheeks glowing red, Light lifted his eyes quickly to stare at his family through his bangs. Sachiko looked absolutely distressed by this information, having gone white, as well as his sister, whose fingers were currently serving to lid her open mouth. Soichiro even seemed to be pulled into the story, listening intently to the falsehood. Their tea had become rather cold by this point.

Light hid his smile behind his clasped hands, making sure to hide his band. 'Good. This is all going just as planned.'

"I woke up in Hideki's house. I felt very weak, I couldn't concentrate. I didn't even understand where I was when Hideki first told me. He helped me regain my health and…as I did…over the weeks I discovered…"

Ryuuzaki prepared himself for the incredibly cheesy blow.

Light's eyes swung back to his mother and his hand swept to his left, seeking Ryuuzaki's knee and instead landing on his hand. "…I found where my soul belonged."

The shouting did not start immediately, like it had in the investigation headquarters. It started with a low rumble, Sayu's murmur of "Whoa, what?" and Soichiro coughing. It ended with Sachiko's shriek.

"What?" Sachiko jumped up, Light's little disclosure jabbing straight into her backside. "L-Light, you shouldn't joke about things like that! Please tell me…you're…"

His fingers now interlaced with Ryuuzaki's, Light shook his head somberly. "I am not joking. I would not joke about this, Mom. We are completely serious."

"Light, sweetheart, reconsider! Don't you…like girls? You were always surrounded by them and you would go out with them on a regular basis! Half the numbers in your cell phone belong to girls!"

Ryuuzaki supposed this called for a glare, so he slipped one Light's way. Sachiko was dithering, so the look was lost on her, and she continued to dither for quite a bit.

Sayu, on the other hand…

"Mom, come on. You didn't really think Light was into all those girls?" Sayu grinned and winked at the both of them. "No need to be jealous, Ryuuga-san. They were all clearly just cover lovers. Light never actually seemed interested in them, anyway."

This stab at his sexuality made Light indignant. "Look, it isn't as if I'm gay," he defended. "I just…Hideki's the only one for me; his gender is no issue to me. We're two halves."

Light blinked. That line came out a tad too naturally for his comfort but it appeared to sate Sayu. She giggled and issued forth a squealing "Aw!" while her mother strove to gather herself together.

"L-Light, I don't understand…You can't do this, I would _like_ some grandchildren!"

Her son blanched but Ryuuzaki toyed with the thought just for fun. Imagine, a baby born of his and Light's genetic material? It would perhaps be the smartest infant on the face of the planet. Though ridiculous, it still was an attractive idea, so he saved the thought for later meditation.

"I imagine Light was just as perplexed as you, Yagami-san," Ryuuzaki stated, enjoying his meal of index finger. "The seeds of our love were possibly sown during the time we were chained together…"

As Sayu joyously sang "So scan-da-lous!", Mr. and Mrs. Yagami flushed at the implication, the former gritting his teeth visibly. Ryuuzaki took a sip of his Earl Grey, frigid, he imagined, due to the arctic silence beforehand or Soichiro's chilly stare.

"Ch-chains?" Sachiko stammered. "You didn't hurt Light, did you? Do you truly love my son as much as he loves you?"

"Hold on," Light said thinly, glowering at the older man, "by chains, Hideki means—he means—"

"No, Yagami-san," Ryuuzaki answered, swiping two cookies off of the tray. "No, I do not love Light as much as he loves me."

The wordlessness was deafening. Sayu looked completely dumbstruck and Light copied her expression, sprinkling a little hurt on his features. "Excuse me…?" he said, voice cracking. "Then why did you bother proposing to me?"

In his brain Light was screaming, 'What are you doing, idiot? I knew we should have rehearsed!'

Ryuuzaki bit into a gingersnap (Mm, not bad. Sayu made these, did she?) and chewed slowly, relishing the taste, Light's torture, and the gasps their confessions had evoked from Sachiko and her daughter. As far as TV dramas went, this was probably the worst production yet, reaching the painfully corny levels only accomplished by B movies.

Ryuuzaki pondered his next move while Sachiko across from him scrubbed viciously at the coffee table. 'Should I look away and whisper? Or maybe look into his eyes? The latter would please more, I think."

L could only be grateful that Light-kun inherited his mother's compulsive neatness instead of her sentimentality.

So the detective's head swiveled toward Light and he said, quietly, "I love Light so much more than he could ever love me."

Light almost choked on his bile. Soichiro held his head in his hands. Sachiko nudged her husband hard in the ribs, watching the couple with glimmering eyes. Sayu ate it up.

"Aww!" she cried. She clapped her hands together. "Ryuuga-san, that is the most romantic thing I've ever heard!" And the girl bounced towards the pair and tackled them in a hug.

"Congratulations!" she gushed. "I'm so happy for the both of you! You two have _my_ blessing!"

"Sayu!" her mother hissed, and Ryuuzaki was glad for that because he was immediately freed from the girl's vice grip.

"But Mom, Ryuuga-san is part of the family, now! Come on, don't be so cautious. He took good care of Light, didn't he?"

"Very good care," Ryuuzaki echoed with a smile so Sachiko would know the exact nature of this care.

"Mom, Ryuuzaki is important to me," Light reasoned delicately. "You want me to be happy, don't you?"

The woman's face, lines deepened from stress and worry, visibly softened.

Ryuuzaki reflected on the boy whose sides were awkwardly squashed against his. Yes, Light-kun was quite the conductor. He had orchestrated this entire discussion, laying waste to his mother's heart with soothing tones and plucking its strings expertly like he had always done with his marionettes.

'Light-kun must have a million excuses planned out in that brain along with a thousand escape routes out of awkward situations. He gained his mother's sympathy easily, using her affections and personality to his advantage. It's amazing that someone who has accused _me_ of being so immoral in the past can have the nerve to be just as openly manipulative. If I could get in his brain and see just how it operates, would it be the mirror image of mine?'

"You really did watch over Light, didn't you, Ryuuga-san?" Sachiko murmured. "You…you honestly do cherish my darling son."

"Yes, but I truly wish that I could get inside Light more often," Ryuuzaki answered, his mind somewhere else entirely, "even though it's rather difficult to get a hold of his head."

An apple-cheeked Sachiko was wiping the table so hard she was nearly stripping it of its finish.

Light slaked his urge to throttle Ryuuzaki by closing his eyes and visualizing such a scene in all of its brutal beauty. "Mom, I know this will take some major adjusting. Just try it, okay? When have I ever been wrong with my decisions? You know I'm smart."

"Y-yes," Sachiko said, "but marriage? Light, dear, do you really love him so much…?"

Light blew out a small gust of air, looked to Ryuuzaki, squeezed his hand, and smiled lightly. "Yes, Mom. Yes, I do."

All of a sudden, Sachiko started to bawl. Needless to say, her children, spouse and even her blasé son-in-law were discomfited by the volume.

"I'm s-sorry!" she blubbered, tears drenching her apron and the couch's occupants. "I'm g-going to have to get used to this all…but Light, you look so h-happy…"

A twisting of Light's lips blurred the line between "content" and just plain "smug." It was always nice to get positive feedback on his performances.

Sachiko sniffed and touched a hand to her spouse's shoulder. "You disowned our son because of this?"

Soichiro had stopped sweating, but his lips were still pressed tightly together. "Er…I didn't disown…it was all a little sudden for me…"

"Well," she said, simpering at Ryuuzaki hesitantly, "he must be a brilliant man if he made it to the top percentile in the entrance exams…and as long as he loves Light, I suppose that's all that matters."

Relaxed now that this triviality had concluded tidily, Ryuuzaki began to rise from the sofa. "Thank you, Yagami-san. We are quite pleased that—"

"When is the wedding?" Sachiko suddenly demanded, and Ryuuzaki balked at the strange gleam in her eye.

"We do not know," Ryuuzaki admitted. "I proposed only recently. It will be simple: we do not foresee any sort of ceremony—"

"What?" Sachiko wondered. "What fun is that? No ceremony at all?"

"No," Ryuuzaki said, reminding himself to be patient. "I'm afraid that we must take our leave—"

His future mother-in-law crossed her arms and Ryuuzaki felt a twitch develop in his left eye. There was trouble a-brewing.

"My son should have a wedding. Wouldn't you like that, Light, dear?"

"Uh," Light began cleverly, "no?"

Mrs. Yagami's head wheeled adamantly from left to right. "No, no. I will not accept this. My Light will have a wedding ceremony, not simple documentation. This is something you both won't want to forget! It's a defining moment in your lives!"

Self-control diminishing, Ryuuzaki didn't bother to hide his importunate look with Light. 'Help me out, here.'

"Mom," Light said pleadingly, "please, we can't have anything extravagant. We can't even invite our whole family. This has to be as low profile as possible. Besides, Hideki and I agreed to do a Western-style wedding. I doubt-"

"It'll be modest!" she protested. "I promise! I'll pick up the expenses! And I always wanted to have a Western-style wedding: Soichiro and I had such a normal, traditional wedding that this will be a welcome change. And concerning our family, you don't have to be so shy, Ryuuga-san."

"I'm not shy," Ryuuzaki replied automatically (because he really wasn't and he was growing annoyed with this infernal woman for all her insisting and her flimsy suppositions). "I'm in witness-protection. I can't be seen by too many people or I will risk being recognized."

"Then only Sayu, my husband, and I will attend," she returned, firmly. "In the end, we must have a wedding, Ryuuga-san. This is my son who disappeared for _months_ without a word."

Though he didn't want to admit it, the man was quite taken aback by this mother's doggedness. 'Playing the guilt card, huh? Won't work, Yagami-san- I am without conscience.'

"Mom, please stop. We don't want a wedding ceremony. You'll get your fun with Sayu's."

Sayu piped up instantly. "No way! Mom is not laying a finger on my wedding, thanks very much! Bite the bullet, Light, _you_ were the one who pulled the vanishing act."

Teeth clamped firmly on his thumb, Ryuuzaki thought. Sachiko was onto something with this ceremony idea. A full-blown wedding service would probably shield L's true identity nicely. His enemies were always digging around, trying to sniff him out, and there came many a time where the cleverer of his foes came very close to discovering the face behind the black letter. A secretive, intelligent man like L who had his very life to lose wouldn't want a wedding ceremony—too flashy, too dangerous, and too vulnerable. L was supposed to be a man who kept to himself, who wouldn't trust even a lover with his true name. No one would suspect Hideki Ryuuga, a happily married man living pleasantly with his husband in his humble house guarded only by a cheerful white picket fence, of being the greatest detective in the world. If he absolutely had to get married, actually going through with this puffed up ritual would be best to maintain a low profile.

Also, Sachiko didn't seem to be giving up this wedding idea anytime soon, and frankly, Ryuuzaki didn't feel like fighting. He frowned, vaguely listening to the din of Light and his mother arguing. Now that he thought further, he would require help with his role as L if Sachiko had her way; someone to work on cases under his name as he would most likely be battered by this woman, with her fantasies of tuxedo fittings and catering.

Maybe he could mitigate the psychological effects of this ordeal by pretending this was all a vacation.

"Very well, Yagami-san," Ryuuzaki acquiesced. "You will be in charge of the wedding- absolutely everything. I will provide the financial backing. No, no, I insist. It's all I can do to appease my mother-in-law."

Christmas came early for Sachiko Yagami, and she bounced in her seat while Light looked less than thrilled. "Wonderful! I have some color schemes in mind already! Bridesmaid dresses, appetizers…ah…Ryuuga-san, isn't there anyone besides Sayu, Soichiro and I who will attend? Will there be no groomsmen?"

The woman wanted everything.

"Yes, I can think of a couple," he said, eyes flicking to the chief. Kanzo Mogi, Shuichi Aizawa, Hideki Ide and possibly Touta Matsuda would make suitable groomsmen. He fiddled with the cell in his pocket, itching to call the others this instant and just to have it all be _over with_.

Nonetheless, he endured, holding Light's hand laboriously (L was appreciative that at least Light's hands were soft, smooth, and failed to be clammy) as Sachiko rambled about the importance of commitment and how she would love to get to know Ryuuga over the next two months of wedding preparations, all while sporting a constipated smile. It was clear from her constant assault on the table with the rag that she would need this wedding distraction to cope with the loss of her son's heterosexuality.

Light allowed his mother to babble for a little longer and finally cut in: "Mom, I'm sorry, but Hideki and I need to get going. We have, ah, wedding invites to fill out."

"Oh, Light, I can do that!"

"No. You already are shouldering the entire wedding. We really need to go."

"I would like to speak with your fiancée a little more, Light. And you must let me see your engagement ring! Is…is that a 14k-?"

At his wit's end, Ryuuzaki intervened with his last resort. "Yagami-san, it would benefit you the most if you permitted our leave."

"Oh?"

"Yes," Ryuuzaki deadpanned. "How else will we be able to choose a proper surrogate mother for our child?"

And, leaving Light's family in the aftermath of the bomb he just dropped, he hurried out with a grumbled "goodbye" and Light in tow. Once in the safety of Watari's limousine, Light punched L in the shoulder.

"_Child_? Are you FUCKING insane?"

"Stop that, Light-kun. Up by four percent."

"Dear God, my mother is going to be relentless with this baby business."

"Speaking of which, your mother is acting quite abnormally—her image now contrasts greatly with the one I've observed in the past."

"She just got her son and husband back and discovered that said son is marrying a man. Anyone would act abnormally. Don't change the subject, damn it, what are we going to do when we can't give her a baby?"

"We could just say we changed our minds or the surrogate got cold feet."

"The point is that she's going to harass us from now on about it because you introduced any hope of spawn to her. Damn it, _L_."

There was no use in trying to reason with the man at the moment, as he was in the middle of a phone call. "Mogi-san? Please get the team together. This is urgent."

"Urgent," Light mumbled. "You have that right. She's going to start planning a baby shower any minute."

Snapping his phone closed, L watched the roof of the car intently. "In that case, Light-kun, you could always impregnate Amane-san or Takada-san and give the clothes to them. Actually," he continued in a thoughtful murmur, "it would be better to impregnate Takada-san as she is the most intelligent of the options."

Withering was Light's stare. "What the _hell_ are you gibbering about?"

"Nothing." And they said nothing the rest of the way, L reviewing Kiyomi Takada's number in his head.

(xxx)

"Let me get this straight," Matsuda demanded. "You guys are having a kid? Who's the mother?"

"No, Matsuda," Light explained patiently, as if he were speaking to a child. "Ryuuzaki unwisely told that falsehood to my mother and now she's going to make our life _hell_."

"Dibs on godfather," Matsuda insisted.

"Matsuda, stop," Aizawa snapped. He turned to Light and L, the latter perched atop his favorite chair.

"Groomsmen, huh? When do you think the wedding will be?"

Toes wriggling, Ryuuzaki mulled this over. "Today is October the 29th, yes? I will…hmmm…I will give Yagami-san a roundabout five months to plan this all out, with my supervision, of course."

Light cleared his throat.

"Yes, and Light-kun will monitor Yagami-san, too. How could we forget about the bride?"

"_Pardon_? Bride?"

"Well, I was the one who proposed to you, Light-kun; not the other way around. So, then, the wedding will take place approximately around the end of March or the beginning of April."

"What about the Kira case?" Ide chimed in. "After all that time we spent tracking Higuchi, we can't let it fall by the wayside."

L burrowed his hands into a bowl of M&M's. "Questioning Higuchi has proven itself to be ineffectual, but yes, we can not entirely drop this case." He tipped the candies into his mouth and munched noisily. "We will have to wait and see what happens."

'Or perhaps, give Higuchi the Death Note and cut a deal with him…Higuchi is the least crafty of the Kira's, so I wouldn't foresee any problems with letting him handle the Note. Again, this is only a last resort…'

"What sort of approach is that?" Matsuda yelped.

Aizawa shrugged. "What are we supposed to do? Higuchi isn't saying much and it isn't as if we have any other leads, besides the others at Yotsuba group. We could take some of them in for questioning but it isn't as if they'd tell us anything we haven't heard them say at their meetings."

The team spoke their assent, frustration morphing their faces.

"There is one thing we can do," L suggested, watching Misa glumly pace her room. "Some outside help might give us some…new perspective."

"Out—what?" Aizawa asked, incredulous. "You really think that's safe, Ryuuzaki?"

"It's very safe. In fact," L affirmed, devouring a handful of M&M's, "it would benefit all of you if you worked with them to the best of your abilities."

'After all, one of them might very well be the next L, so it won't hurt to get into their good graces now.'

He would use this time to observe the orphans (Mello and Near, was it? He would need to get the paperwork from Watari) in a work environment and judge just who was worthy of his title. Besides, he also needed a ring bearer. And a flower girl.

"I still can't believe it," Matsuda laughed. "You guys are getting _married_. How does it feel?"

Light rolled his eyes. "Like I'm at the brink of insanity."

"Annoyed that this bowl doesn't refill automatically." Really, L just wanted the young cop to drop it. There had been enough daunting wedding talk for one day.

Persistent Matsuda was determined to drive everyone in the room mad. "What about a priest? Don't you need a priest?"

"Watari will be the priest," L said, exasperated. "I only held this meeting to ensure that everyone knows what their assignments are. During this week, I believe the best course of action would be to start questioning the Yotsuba seven. Now that Higuchi is captured, it will be easier to further disable his security system and perform a more thorough search for clues about the Death Note. I will dispatch Wedy tomorrow." Watari deposited a full candy bowl into L's hands and the man began popping them like pills.

"What about a best man? You need a—"

"Mogi-san," L addressed, "you will be my best man."

Obediently, Mogi nodded and Matsuda's mouth dropped open. "Mogi?"

"Yes," L said as calmly as he could. "_Mogi-san_- the man standing next to you. Have you already forgotten your coworkers' names, Matsuda-san?"

"Come on, Ryuuzaki," Matsuda begged. "I'd be a way better best man! No offense, Mogi, but you're a little stiff when is comes to playing Misa's manager. Would you really be appropriate for playing the part of _best man_ in front of Light's mother? You'll have to act all chummy with Ryuuzaki and—"

Already Mogi resembled a board.

"Mogi-san will be my best man," L said crisply, "and Matsuda-san will be a groomsman, as well as Ide-san and Aizawa-san. Misa-san will be Light-kun's Maid of Honor."

"No way, Maid of Honor is Sayu's—whoa, wait! No! I'm _not_ the bride, Ryuu—"

"I will have no more complaints! Matsuda-san will be a groomsman, Mogi-san will be my best man, Watari will be my priest, and Light-kun will have a Maid of Honor or…" and Ryuuzaki trailed off here, unable to think up any threats. He eyed Light's neatly pressed jeans and collared shirt.

"Or our house will have shag carpeting; brown shag carpeting. And the interior will be covered with yellow-green wallpaper."

L never knew the boy could look so sickened.

"Excellent," said L blandly, and dumped a torrent of red, green, and blue pellets into his mouth. "Anyway, has anyone seen the Shinigami?"

(xxx)

The Shinigami in question had abandoned L and Light during their stay at the Yagami family home. She had wandered not so far as to lose sight of them, but enough so that she could achieve her task. It had nothing to do with the Kira case or requests from Misa: this was Rem's mission, governed by her own autonomy.

It was a mission to pick flowers. Not from the Yagami lawn, no, but she was sure that little patch of wild daisies in the backyard was fair game. She knelt down solemnly and tugged at a stem. Then another, another, another, another, and another and soon she had a fistful of flowers. Yellow and brown nodded merrily at her, totally at peace with the Reaper ripping their bodies from their roots. Rem didn't see why humans were so infatuated with this kind of plant life but as long as it helped forward her agenda, it was all right with her. If all those romance movies she watched with Misa had taught her anything about human romance, it was that women loved flowers. And Light Yagami looked a little like a woman, so it was all good, wasn't it?

An hour or so later, Watari pulled up in the limousine and an airborne Rem made a conscious effort to balance a vagrant spider on her bouquet as she kept track of the moving vehicle. Upon their arrival at headquarters, Rem swooped in through the walls and landed in the pair's bedroom.

Rem had never watched a flower arrangement ceremony before but she tried her best, placing the crumpled daisies, ten in a row, across Light's pillow. She stepped back, not so much to admire her work as much as to review its orderliness, and floated listlessly back to L's side. Hoping that human reactions and their tendency to misunderstand were grossly embellished in the cinema, Rem tried to assure herself that nothing of dire consequence would come of this.

(xxx)

Thank you all for all of your reviews last chapter! Hope you guys liked this one, and if you would like to **suggest anything, criticize, etc, please review.**

**Next chapter: **HA, HA, noseGAY


	3. nosegay LOL

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

**Chapter 3: noseGAY**

Mary Kenwood, called Wedy in the criminal underworld, coolly regarded the freakish lemur-man crossbreed in front of her. "So, you want me to break into Higuchi's. Again."

"That is the plan, Wedy-san."

"After I broke in already. After it took two days to break in."

"Mmm."

"After you told me to ignore the house and plant bugs in his six cars."

"Yes."

The only other noise that came from L was the _ploink_! of sugar cubes into his coffee. _Ploink. Ploink. Ploink. _His little monkey hands scraped out the sugar bowl, trapped the cubes between his thumb and digitus secundus, and raised them from such a height that when they plummeted into the very black depths of the Styrofoam cup, there was a noticeable splash. _Ploink. Ploink. Ploink. _Wedy stepped back—already irritated by his request, she didn't know what she would do to her employer if he got coffee on her nice clothes.

She knew she was at his mercy, what with all the evidence he had on her, but she wasn't about to stop complaining. She had every right. Wedy was the one who had been running from Rottweilers three weeks straight and, more recently, chasing a greasy Yotsuba employee around on a motorcycle all night long. And while she was out dangling her rear like a rare steak in front of hungry dogs and supernatural killers, L was having fun in the meantime, buying expensive jewelry. She peered at the white gold ring snug on L's finger, and estimated the price it would probably get on the black market.

"L, you really should have let her just place the devices when she broke in the first time." The young, attractive brunet at the detective's side spoke up ("Light," if she remembered correctly), folding his arms in exasperation, and Wedy tried to put her finger on what was wrong with this picture besides the boy's outwardly undue irritation. It didn't take long. She wasn't a genius, but she was still Wedy.

She inclined herself so slightly (and of course, L noticed) to get a better look. Renewed interest in this stupid mission briefing was sparked as she noticed that (1) the boy was no longer chained to L and (2) the same boy was wearing a very similar ring as L's. In fact—

"Congratulations, L," Wedy acknowledged dryly, immediately straightening. "Truth be told, you're lucky being the ingenious L and all. Most coworkers would protest, finding it unprofessional to combine work and pleasure."

Suddenly, Wedy felt her brain pounding and she confirmed the source to be Chief Yagami, who was glaring at her with the intensity of a thousand suns and daggers.

"Light," he commanded, "I would like you to join me in the kitchen for a cup of coffee." And so, the grumbling father and thankful son toddled their way to the kitchenette.

Strange that L should have looked equally thankful as Light. Weren't they lovers? Weren't they supposed to be smirking at the dirty conversation like normal men, or at least blushing? Weren't they supposed to be pained to be apart, shooting each other pathetic glances as Light was hauled away? Whatever. As long as the paycheck was in her mailbox, all was right in the world.

"When is it?" she asked, and from the way the lemur sulked, she could tell he had been asked this countless times. Good.

"End of March, beginning of April," he muttered. "The Higuchi estate, Wedy-san: try to stay focused and stop thinking of the best ways to steal the ring."

"I wasn't," the blonde defended, deciding that, in the end, the 2K the ring would fetch and all the police organizations in the world on her ass would not be worth cutting off L's ring finger in his sleep.

"Please leave for his house within twenty minutes," L directed. "I trust you remember where he lives?"

"Huh," Wedy grunted. "I guess. I'm a bit tired from all that driving from two nights ago. I might have forgotten."

L scrutinized her wearily, his baggy eyes adding to his seeming exhaustion. "What do you want?"

"I want in on this wedding deal."

"Wedy-san, although this may be no object to you, polygamy is illegal."

"Look, I deserve some fun. I did some of the most dangerous work out of all of you…besides the Matsuda guy, but I doubt that anyone cares about him."

"M-miss Wedy, I'm right here."

"I do not believe you would be a suitable guest. It is not my wish for the silverware and any other valuables at the reception hall to mysteriously vanish. That said, what would you find so fun about a wedding?"

"Dressing up? Cake? Presents? Alcohol? Gay guys kissing at the altar? Yes, I could see why no one could find that entertaining."

"Light-kun and I are not gay." L shifted around a little in his chair, toes digging deeply into the seat cushion. Kissing at the altar? He had to admit that he had conveniently forgotten that happy little ritual. "We are not doing this because we want to."

"You don't necessarily have to be gay to marry Light, per se. I certain there is no one in this den of testosterone who has _not_ had a wet dream about him." Except his father. Maybe.

Matsuda babbled, unaware that he wasn't even included in this conversation. "I-I haven't…had a…hmm."

"Why, I wouldn't be surprised if your butler—"

"If Wedy-san wants her two million USD deposited into her bank account, she will not finish that sentence."

Her mouth snapped closed and L relented. "Fine; but you may attend only on the condition that you are a bridesmaid. We'll need you to keep Misa-san calm and collected."

What? That didn't sound like any fun, playing babysitter to Misa Amane, the supposed second Kira. Alas—clouds, silver lining, etc. Wedy stretched, at peace with the prospect of good times to be had in the near future. "So, I break in and look for any connections to this 'Death Note?'"

"Yes," L replied, "and do mind your hands around Higuchi's possessions. There are some items around this hotel that have been misplaced…some very expensive items. We want no traces of your presence in his house."

Wedy didn't bother reminding L that shower curtains and soap dishes were not so expensive and just shrugged. "Higuchi has nothing I want. I'm not a petty thief, Ryuuzaki."

"Attempt to keep your kleptomania under control. That is all I ask of you."

"Fine, then. I'll be back in two days." She flicked some hair out of her eyes and clopped away in her heels, subtly pick pocketing Matsuda on her way out the door.

It was about time she went to a good party. Though her strides were long and her gait confident, frankly, the realization that old Death was snipping at everyone's heels nowadays rattled her. A little bit. She was a thief, not some stoic crime fighter. Stealing and breaking & entering had always that aura of thrill about it, but the threat had to do more with a twenty year prison sentence (in a prison she could most likely break out of, no less) than anything more…permanent.

There was some relief to be had now that Kira had been captured. Wedy usually was serious-minded about frivolities, but a wedding was a good excuse to converse and smoke and eat and blow off stress like she never had before. Humming, Mary Kenwood mounted her bike and coasted toward the residence of one Kyosuke Higuchi.

Above all, this would be the perfect excuse to buy dirty presents for the bachelorette party she would be hosting. Given, Wedy had no idea which of the boys was the lucky bachelorette, but did that really matter?

**(xxx)**

In the kitchenette, Chief Yagami turned to his son. "Light, are you alright? You seem a little distracted today. Or uncomfortable, which is understandable, seeing that certain _comments_…"

The curtain was rung up, and Light smiled dazzlingly at his father, as if he had made a joke. "What do you mean? Everything is fine, Dad."

Soichiro lowered his voice, so much so that Light had to strain his ears to hear him over the gurgling coffee pot. "You and Ryuuzaki seem a little tense. Did you both get into a fight this morning?"

"No. No, we didn't." Light busied himself with preparing a cup of java, wondering where this was all going.

"Then," – Soichiro cleared his throat—"last night, he didn't pressure you to do anything? Anything strange?"

The boy fumbled the Styrofoam cup and a dark brown stain marred his cream-colored shirt. His father's stare was hard as he studied Light dabbing at the splash with a wet napkin.

"No, of course not," Light said calmly. "Nothing strange at all."

'Something is wrong. What is Dad trying to…oh _lord_, he isn't thinking…?'

"Light," Soichiro said, placing a palm on his son's shoulder, "please tell me the truth. Why did you stay at headquarters last night? L briefed us yesterday on his theory—that… one only becomes Kira when physically in contact with the Note. I would think that this would allow you to be out of his sight for at least one night…with me, er, watching you in his place…"

Cursing inwardly, Light applied soap. "Dad, someone as neurotic as L isn't going to let someone else watch me. They might miss some sort of eye movement of mine that is undoubtedly indicative of my _Kira-like_ personality."

His sweating father paused and Light could see his question coming a mile away. "Light. He has never touched y-?"

"No," he said strongly, willing the red out of his cheeks. "No, he never has. The man holds every single thing he picks up like it's going to infect him, so I would be very surprised if he ever attempted to touch me more than he had to."

Sighing, Soichiro wiped his forehead with a napkin. "Ah. Okay. Okay, then."

"That's all you wanted to ask me?"

"Well, yes," Yagami mumbled, flushed. "I actually really wanted to get away from the…conversation."

Nodding, Light finished preparing his coffee. "How was mom last night?"

"Excited. Very, very excited." Soichiro's glance was weary. "A _child_, Light?"

"Take it up with Ryuuzaki," Light grumbled into the lip of his cup. They drank in silence, watching Matsuda panic over his mislaid wallet. It was when Aizawa arrived, a band-aid stuck onto his cheek, that the team assembled in a semi-circle around L.

Yagami strode toward them, Light trailing behind. Once integrated into the half-circle, L spoke succinctly and slowly as he always did, his hands and grim lips weaving stories, and Light made certain to distance himself at least five feet away.

The plan was simple. Each investigator would look over their respective Yotsuba employee's schedule. Once everyone was sure their target would be secure in their home, relaxed with their guards down, they would strike. At a designated hour, they would visit each employee and ask them to come in for questioning at six separate stations. All of the employees would be guaranteed that they were not under arrest. Each questioning session would last from two to three hours, with L monitoring each discussion. It was imperative that none of the Yotsuba employees could contact one another that day: cell phones would be the first thing to be confiscated.

The taskforce set off to work, and after an hour of comparing schedules for that week, it was decided that Friday would be the day to carry out the mission. On October 31st at five o' clock PM, Takeshi Ooi, Masahiko Kida, Suguru Shimura, Eiichi Takahasi, Reiji Namakawa, and Shingo Mido would each be questioned closely by Mogi, Ide, Matsuda, Light, Aizawa, and Chief Yagami respectively.

"Any questions?" L asked, and was met with many shaking heads. "Very well. Memorize the questions you will be asking your assigned employee. Pay close attention to your employee's scheduling for any—"

Soichiro's cell went off and the man apologized under the heat of Ryuuzaki's stare. "My wife," he muttered, staring at the flashing screen. "I was dead tired this morning. She must have turned on my phone when I wasn't looking." He jerked his head toward the exit. "I'll go outside and take it."

"Do not bother," L sighed. "I doubt your wife has the technology to track us to headquarters with but a phone call."

"Don't tempt fate," Light said darkly as his father accepted the call.

"Hello, dear? Yes…? Ah…" Soichiro's eyes traveled to Light. "He's…uh…well, I dropped by Ryuuza—I mean, Ryuuga's place just before work. Yes, he's right here." Shaking his head, he held out the phone to Light.

The boy took it gingerly. "Yes, Mom?"

"Light, dear, you'll have a flower girl or two at your wedding, right? I found the _perfect_ little nosegays for them!"

"Nosegay?" he said dubiously, and ignored Matsuda's giggle.

"Yes, yes, nosegay," she said impatiently. "The little bouquet the flower girl carries. Some gerbera daisies and alstromeria would be a nice arrangement in her little basket, don't you think?"

"Nosegay," he repeated numbly, and by now Matsuda was cackling.

"Yes, nosegay! Are you all right, dear? Ryuuga-san isn't manhandling you, is he?"

"What? No!"

Light could feel the warmth emanating from his mother's most-assuredly flaming cheeks. After a moment's pause, she whispered, "Dear…Try to control both of your urges until your wedding night. It will be a lot more magical that way."

"Mother," Light said bitterly as Ryuuzaki chose that moment to favor him with his black, soulless eyes, "please. I am an adult. I think I know what I'm doing, nosegays or not."

As he edged in his goodbye, he fought against the urge to throw the cell at Matsuda, who was snorting into his hand.

**(xxx)**

The ring would not come off.

The _hell_? Did the ring shrink during the night? Did his ring finger grow? Light tugged uselessly at the band, digging his nails underneath the metal. He finally retired his efforts after five fruitless minutes and blew his breath out in a great rush of wind. Of course; it would not be his life if things were easy.

Subject Eiichi Takahashi had been detained, sitting quietly now in the back seat of a police vehicle. There had been no end to his grumbling and shouting when Light and Watari has showed up on his doorstep (or, in Takahashi's case, perhaps "at his wrought-iron gate armed with only a police warrant, facing off against mean-looking security guards and five Doberman beasts" would be more accurate). He seemed to have exhausted himself of this, and instead taken to glaring at the backs of the two "policemen" every second of the car ride. It was almost as suffocating as the ring on Light's finger. He wiggled it.

Eyes glued to the road, Watari murmured, "We'll get some lotion for that later."

Light laced his fingers. Good. At least his circulation wouldn't remain choked off for long. His sight drifted from his fingers, stopping on the chauffeur. The older man's weathered, wizened hands steely clutched the wheel, and Light imagined (after a furtive glance at the grey sky) that any rheumatism of Watari's was acting up. Frowning, Light thought just _how much_ it was like Ryuuzaki to make a poor old man work, placing him in such dangerous situations.

To look at Watari's hands was to question the alleged lack of blood relation between him and Light's favorite roommate. Though his popping blue-and-red veins did not conjure scenery of white landscapes and night-tainted bangs, his fingers had that same stick-thinness, the same knobby knuckles, the same stubby nails.

He didn't think too long on this, because he remembered his ring and why he had forgotten to take it off two nights ago. Nausea swirling his stomach, Light turned away to stare out the window.

They arrived at five on the dot, and soon Light and Takahashi were facing each other across a small table shoved against the wall of a cubicle-sized interrogation room. Light crossed his legs, placed his palms together as if in prayer, and waited.

He needed no patience: Eiichi Takahashi was a very excitable man. Scowl etched into his face, the Yotsuba executive spoke gruffly. "What's a kid like yourself doing on the Kira investigation team?"

"I will be asking the questions," Light replied.

"_Or rather, _I _will be the one asking the questions," _he heard his receiver mutter.

Yes, this would be fun! He and L, solving crimes! Playing bad cop, good cop! Threatening innocents with death solely for information! Nothing could match his joy!

He cleared his throat and pulled at his ear. "We must stress that you are not a suspect. L has guaranteed your freedom. You will _not_ be incarcerated. This is only a routine questioning."

"_I am sure he does not have the memory of a goldfish, Yagami-kun. Watari told him this only twenty-five minutes ago."_

Fun.

His smile flickered, his way of telling dear L watching through the room's many camera bugs to _shut the fuck up please_ and he pressed his palms together, imagining his fiancée (Lord, that still felt weird, just thinking it) squished between them.

"I don't know anything about Higuchi."

"There must be something. Anything at all would help with the investigation."

"No, nothing. We never really spoke together outside of those meetings."

"Not even once?"

"No. The man was a creep anyway, why would I talk to him?"

"What did he say during the meetings?"

"Not much. He would have some input in the conversation, but it wasn't very noticeable. I guess Higuchi isn't talking, huh?"

Light leaned back in his chair, completing his portrait of repose. If he tensed obviously, allowed any hint of vexation to seep into his pretty words, chances were that this interrogation wouldn't bring about favorable results. "Before these conferences, you never once talked with him?"

"No, no. Yotsuba Headquarters is huge, and we do work in different departments. It wasn't like we'd run into each other."

"I see."

"Yeah. Sorry I can't be of much help."

"No, I'm sure you will think of something. It'll come to you, I'm sure."

"Yeah, maybe." Takahashi spared a glance at his watch. "Look, could I give you guys a call if something comes to me? I'm a busy guy—"

"Yes, I am sure a busy executive such as yourself would like to spend as much time with your family as possible; my apologies." Light sighed as dejectedly as possible, and tapped the table with his ring finger, staring off into space. The older man watched Light patiently for a few minutes, awaiting dismissal. His sight dropped onto the tapping finger.

Takahashi's gaze rubber banded from Light to the ring knocking metrically against the tabletop. "Engaged…so young?"

"_Took him long enough."_

Shaken out of his self-induced trance, Light twisted his face into something resembling confusion. "What?" He blinked down at his ring.

"O-oh! Yes, well,"—he smiled—"it is the twenty-first century. If a man can land on the moon, why can I not wed at eighteen?"

The man nodded sagely. "You love her?"

"Of course," Light said. "Why else would I marry?"

Rolling his shoulders, Takahashi ruminated. "There's money. Status. The usual."

'All of which I will receive when I do marry _her_,' Light mused inwardly.

"Sex," Takahashi added thoughtfully and Light eased the panic foaming in his chest and eyes. He cleared his throat, sitting tall and straight in his chair.

"Nothing," Light sniffed, "so sordid as that."

(Back at the headquarters, L goggled at the monitor, mouth quirking. Interesting. He had been right to invest in this superior camera model: in any other he would have missed the fire crawling along Light's throat.)

"Marriage," the elder thought aloud, chin in palm, "is worth it, though. Only if you've found the right person, naturally. I did. She's a good woman; a truly good woman."

Smile turning stale, Light nodded politely. Lord, he was going to tell him his life story, wasn't he?

"It was like…like…" Takahashi was silent, searching for the right words. "…like I was split in half at birth and suddenly, at the company party, I see her, look her in the eyes, and I know I found the missing part of me. She was my missing puzzle piece."

Two halves. Apart of one another. A lethal magnetism. Were her eyes made of black holes, as well?

"I married her and nine months later she gave me my child…Eimi just turned seven a week ago," he went on. He twisted the band around his finger. "I'm…I'm glad Namikawa helped you guys out to catch Kira. She won't have any nightmares anymore now that he's put away."

For unknown reasons, Light felt anger flare.

"You plan on having kids?"

Masterfully, Light transformed his snort into a nervous, shy giggle. "Not like I have any say in the matter."

"They're great," Takahashi mumbled, miles away from Kira, Higuchi, and murderous notebooks. "Should have one. You have the look of a great father."

The boy's smile soured, visions of fat tummies and drool dancing in his head.

And that was that. Eichi placed his great hands on his knees to watch motes of dust sail around Light's head.

Light was about to turn to Plan B in the face of Takahashi's obvious lack of knowledge when the businessman suddenly exclaimed, "Ah! I think I remember something."

"_Here we go."_

"Once, Higuchi flipped out when his coffee burnt his tongue. He went nuts; called the manager of the Starbucks right in the middle of the meeting and screamed he would sue. Is that evidence of a psychopath, or what?"

Oh, Light could hear the smack of L's palm colliding with his head over the receiver. "_Light, I believe you should hand it over to me."_

Yes, time for Plan B: scaring the excrement out of Takahashi. It was a plan of attack he and his father had taken a firm stand against but in the end, Ryuuzaki won. As always.

"Takahashi," Light said, drawing out the name in a sad sigh, "I didn't want to do this."

"What?"

"I'm sorry, I really am. Normally, I wouldn't do this."

"Hold on, you aren't going to—"

"L is an impatient man, Takahashi. When he wants results, he gets results." Light flipped a switch on the wall behind him, and there was a static whine from the speakers in each corner of the room.

"Hey, I have a battalion of lawyers, so if you lay a hand on me—"

"_Oh, I don't have to touch you to hurt you."_

Takahashi's skin pigment vanished as the shrill, alien voice washed over him.

"_This is L. Yes, I have been overseeing this interview. I must say, for a man so attached to his wife, he has no scruples about spending time with young pretty models…or any other women, at that."_

"You-! You just hold it right—"

"_Your poor daughter would be so disappointed to find that her father spends time with other ladies, spurning her and her mother. Such a shame. She is a cute one, too."_

Wow, L. Looking pretty pedo there.

"Do you want to be ripped to pieces L?" Takahashi fumed, teeth bared and forehead shining. "I can make it happen, you hear?"

"_You are threatening the one person who controls police organizations the world over. It is a move I would not recommend."_

Takahashi's mouth worked like a dying fish's. L continued.

"_If anything, know this: your family will know of your activities should you choose to be difficult with this investigation."_

"I haven't done a thing! I'm just a bystander!"

"_Really? We can't be so sure of that. After all, you might be Kira and Higuchi could be the fall guy. Is that it, Takahashi-san?"_

"I—No! No, I am not Kira! Don't even suggest such a thing!"

There was something satisfying, Light felt, about someone else being accused of being Kira for a change. He sat back to survey the scene better and ignored the disturbingly gleeful inward voice that expressed discontent at having no popcorn to enhance the experience.

"_Please, Takahashi-san. Give me concrete evidence that you are willing to help us. Tell us something about Higuchi."_

"I can't! I don't know anything, I swear!"

"_Have you heard, perhaps, of one of my special abilities? I can, magically, make anyone disappear. That includes you, Takahashi-san."_

Takahashi was so white he was almost lucent. "You wouldn't…you wouldn't dare!"

"Oh," grumbled Light, "he would."

"_You wouldn't be lonely when you vanish, however. I am not cruel. I can make your wife vanish. I can make your daughter vanish."_

"No, wait. Wait, maybe I'll think of something. No, please! Please, wait—"

"_Your bank accounts, your house, your job, they can vanish, too—"_

"Okay!" Takahashi cried, hands raised in a bid for mercy. "Okay, I thought of something! I've got it!"

"_This better not be irrelevant information, Takahashi-san."_

"No. No, not at all." Takahashi rubbed at his forehead with a sleeve. "Okay…a few weeks ago, Higuchi got to a meeting late. He had dark circles under his eyes, so I guess he had some trouble sleeping that night. He looked all flustered and he was mumbling, his eyes darting from right to left."

"Mumbling what?" Light asked softly. Takahashi grimaced and clawed at his head.

"I…I'm trying to remember."

"It's okay, Takahashi." Light leaned over to pat the despairing man on the shoulder. "Remember for your wife and daughter."

With amusement, Light followed Takahashi's line of sight boomerang from the speakers, to Light's ring, to Light's eyes. Of course, Takahashi, you can trust a fellow family man. Trust him with your darkest secrets.

"He was grinding his teeth…he said…he said that he should start 'counting his blessings' because he had 'torn it' and he was probably going to die soon. I figured he was just exaggerating about a torn muscle or ligament. D…Does that help?"

The silence on the other end was enough for Light to know—yes, it was enough.

"_Thank you for your help, Takahashi-san. You will be released soon."_

Light smiled and congratulated Takahashi for a job well-done with no feeling except for the one that was screaming at him to rip the executive's eyeballs out. Light frowned. He really needed some sleep.

They ferried the man home some minutes later, still pale and sweaty. When he climbed shakily out of the vehicle, a little girl of seven years greeted him. Her black, straight hair fluttered behind her like the ribbons pinned to her frock as she dashed to his side, a lollipop thrust in the air like a scepter.

"Daddy, Daddy! Look, look what the maid gave me!"

Takahashi emitted a low grunt and sagged forward, hands on his knees. "N-not now, Eimi. Give me a second to get my skeleton back into my skin. Show the police officer."

Pouting, the little girl sashayed to the passenger's side and knocked before Light could beg Watari to race away. Sighing, he rolled down the window. Upon viewing a handsome policeman rather than the wrinkly, frowny-faced ones she was accustomed to seeing on police dramas, Eimi Takahashi brightened considerably.

"Hey mister! Look what the maid gave me!"

"Very nice," Light replied. "Well, you have a nice—hey!"

The little girl had pushed the sweet in his face, almost poking out his eye. "You have it, okay?" She giggled, dropped the sugar-on-a-stick into his lap, and turned to pester her father further. The vehicle was gone before Eimi finished attaching herself to Takahashi's leg.

**(xxx)**

"So, uh, Amane," the true Hideki Ryuuga began, reclining in his chair. "Nice day, huh?"

Misa blinked up at the grey clouds hovering outside the window. Contrary to popular belief, Hideki Ryuuga was not well-versed in the art of conversation, especially when speaking to Misa Amane.

"Sure," she said robotically, chewing on a strand of hair. Things were just going from bad to worse. L and Light's wedding was proceeding just as planned and she still hadn't thought up a plan to bring Kira back into the world.

'His memories…how do I get his memories back?' Misa squeezed her eyes shut and tugged at her ear, as if it would make her deaf to the infernal Ryuuga.

"Yeah, so, I know you've got a guy and all, but I was thinking we could swing by Note Blue later?"

'When they caught Higuchi a few days ago, they had to have gotten something on him. The murder weapon…? His method of killing…? Someone on the taskforce has to know something.'

"It's got this excellent pastry shop nearby, too," Hideki prattled on. "Ah…like, really cute pastries. You like things like that, right, Amane?"

"No thanks. Pastries make me fat," came Misa's reply, and she tapped at her chin in deep thought.

Yes, someone on the taskforce had to know something about what happened the night of Higuchi's arrest. Her gaze zeroed in on Mogi. Yeah, right, like Mr. Silent would tell her anything. The brick wall of a man was so much of a bore that Misa almost missed having Matsuda as her manager—annoying, hyperactive Matsuda.

Her finger ceased tapping. Not only was Matsuda hyperactive, but he was loudmouthed and did not have the discretion of the other officers on the case. Matsuda also adored Misa Misa to death, worshipping her as the pagan goddess of cinema and glamour. It wouldn't take much wheedling to get the information she wanted. Even if it meant flirting with another man (Misa wanted to barf), she would have to do this for the sake of Kira. She would put her plan into action as soon as possible.

'What if Rem was right, though? What if Light really does love Ryuuzaki?'

The girl pounded her small fist on her leg so suddenly that Hideki halted his talk of dates. No way in hell did her Light like that creepy, perverse spider monkey! He had brainwashed Light, manipulated the inner workings of his brain so Light would recognize Ryuuzaki as his lover instead of Misa Misa. There was no other explanation—Ryuuzaki was a homosexual hypnotist.

Clenching her fist, she thought how sweet it would be come the wedding day when she would bestow Kira's memories upon Light, and he would leave Ryuuzaki crying at the altar. And she would be the one leading him, hand in hand, back to his glorious ideals.

"…or we could go to a healthier place, if you would like," Hideki finished hopefully, and not a moment too soon, thank _god_, Director Nishinaka announced that break time was over and the set for act two was in place.

Misa skipped out of her chair and onto the set. She'd just have to do a little detective work to get Light back to normal. It couldn't be too hard. If Matsu could get into the NPA and Light had not killed L with his bare hands yet out of sheer irritation, maybe anything was possible.

**(xxx)**

Once Watari rounded the corner to run "bakery related errands," as L had put it over the phone, Light hopped out of the car to stretch his legs. Two hours of sitting had cramped his joints and so Light relished the small popping noises that played in accordance to his stretches. From his mental analysis and review all throughout the most invigorating car ride, the investigation appeared to be moving forward smoothly.

The waters of his stomach sloshed. He placed a hand on his abdomen lightly. That was what happened when one drowned himself in nothing but coffee. A coronet flashed into his head like some horrible snapshot of L's past morning meals. Light gagged and cursed the twitchy ball of diabetes for even mildly permeating his subconscious with his fructose. Food: he needed _real_ food. Something with protein in it. He thought of stealing a donut from Ryuuzaki later, but the thought of both the man and the pastry made his stomach churn with a vengeance. Light propped himself up against the car, and his eyes landed on the lollipop lying all on its lonesome in the front seat. Ugh.

Picking the thing up in a regrettably L-esque way (Light had to admit, it was an efficient method of making as little contact as possible with an item of repugnant nature such as this), Light examined it under a queasy eye. It was a bright-orange pumpkin with green icing leaves curling alongside its face, a brown stalk poking through the top of its head. To use a mundane phrase, it was almost cute … as cute as Light Yagami ever found any piece of confectionary.

He crinkled a crook on the plastic wrapping. Something about it was almost familiar. Twirling the ribbon tied about the lollipop's stem around and around his fingers, he looked around the swarming streets for any sign of Watari. Nothing but people and store displays. Light stared for awhile, allowing his brain to amble about in his subconscious, when he realized that he was staring at cling-ons and posters of grinning, bug-eyed goblins, witches, and bloody-lipped vampires. Ah. No wonder it was a pumpkin. That Friday, October 31st was All Hollow's Eve, when the dead walk the earth and children dress like ghouls to gorge on candy. He would bet good money that it was L's favorite holiday.

Light pulled the curled ribbon taut, let it go, and watched it recoil back into a curly-q. The pumpkin, the pumpkin, what to do with the pumpkin? It was still an eyesore, no matter how cute. Just looking at it made Light want to brush his teeth. He marched over to a nearby trashcan, holding the lollipop out to it in tribute. Oh, mighty Waste Disposal, accept this junk food into your gaping, plastic-lined maw.

Light held the stick deftly between the tips of his thumb and forefinger. He looked at the trashcan, tall and empty. He looked at the pumpkin, eyes wide and black, its mouth drawn laterally morose. Strange. Weren't jack-o-lanterns supposed to look happier? Standing there, he rolled the stick between his fingers.

He pocketed it.

**(xxx)**

"Light!" Misa trilled as Mogi guided her into headquarters. "Liiiiiiiiight, I got you something!"

Light, along with Aizawa and L, ripped his eyes away from the tape of Takahashi's interrogation playing on the room's central monitor. He saw the white cardboard box with the local bakery's insignia stamped on the top and immediately lost interest. L, however, perked like a daisy at the sight of more sugar and held his arms out, his box of donuts sitting forlornly on the table.

"I will take that off of your hands, Misa-san."

"No!" She swung it behind her back, glaring at L. "Besides, you already had, like, ten donuts already, probably!"

L wiped the powdered sugar from his upper lip. "Do not exaggerate. It was nine."

She opened her mouth to counter, but remembered why she had stopped by in the first place. Her ex-manager was nowhere in sight in the main quarters. Heavens, but was that coffee Misa Misa smelled, gurgling happily and guarded jealously by that master of the morning brew, that defective detective Touta Matsuda? She moaned aloud with the sudden onslaught of stomach rumblings.

Thrusting a hand to her tummy, Misa shoved the box in his face. "Whatever. Light doesn't need all that fat on him, anyway!" She smiled so sweetly at Light, he felt his teeth begin to tingle with the rot. "He needs to fit into his tuxedo."

As she flounced away to "eat something that wouldn't make her gain, like, twenty pounds," L tore into the jelly rolls cuddled up together in tissue paper. Light felt something in the air shift. Contemplating this, he brought a knuckle to his mouth, looked down at L, stopped, and jerked his hand away. Either he was very hungry or L really had succeeded in taking over his brain. Soon, his eyes would be sunken, his back curved, his mouth full of…of _jelly rolls_. Light allowed himself, just this once, to sneer at him.

"That'll be another point five percent, Light-kun," L murmured, watching the Takahashi on the screen sweat and shout. That was some peripheral vision.

"_Okay! Okay, I thought of something! I've got it!"_

Aizawa scratched his head. "You know, L—uh, that is—Ryuuzaki, I'm not quite sure why we're still watching this tape. It doesn't prove anything, that he tore something. We have no proof that he's talking about the Death Note."

L didn't answer immediately, choosing to nip the end of a jelly roll and suck out some of the filling. "Why is he so scared, then? There would be no reason to for him to be so fearful about dying otherwise."

Ide spoke up. "But we didn't find the Death Note ripped or destroyed in any way. He might have been scared over accidently tearing a page. We saw some scraps ripped out, remember? Maybe he thought that was enough to kill him…?"

"No," L said, holding the roll above his mouth to let the jelly dribble onto his tongue. Light looked on, right eye convulsing. "That rip was made at the beginning of the Note. Takahashi said that this happened a few weeks ago. It could be possible that he skipped a page and tore a part of it…but that would imply that the tear was premeditated…and he knew that he would die if he ripped the Note…though the scrap itself looked pretty intentional…I wonder…?"

Rem squirmed as discreetly as possible. L peeped at her from the crook of his shadow eyes just as she stopped. "It is a matter we should consider…"

Light curiously felt the need to argue. "What, that the rules are fake? Who knows how many hands that Death Note has gone through, Ryuuzaki? A previous user may have made the rip. He may have _died _because of it, so I hope you aren't thinking of testing it out."

"All avenues must be explored, Light-kun."

"Not if it could lead to more deaths, Ryuuzaki."

"We have to fight injustice in any way, Light-kun. Are you suggesting that Kira isn't worth a persistent approach?"

"Are you suggesting that I'm not willing to fight Kira, ergo I'm Kira?"

"You said it, not me."

"Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I fight by your side, I helped you catch Higuchi, I presented a solution to your depression—"

"Would you like me to dedicate a statue to you, Light-kun? Would a medallion do?"

"—and all I get, _all I get _is some self-satisfied, socially inept, arrogant creep—"

"_I_ am self-satisfied? I wasn't the one who went on a ego-fueled, murderous rampage with a note pad because I had some sad delusions of accomplishing godhood."

"Guys!"

"When are you going to believe me, Ryuuzaki? What happens when you send me to the electric chair and Kira starts killing again?"

"Then I will assume that you passed on the book to someone else."

"Your obstinacy astounds me. You're entirely wrong."

"I am never wrong."

"_Neither am I_."

"Guys, come on…"

"You are. You were Kira."

"No."

"I saw it in the helicopter. I saw it. I saw _you_."

"You didn't see anything, Ryuuzaki. Now who's having delusions?"

"You are—"

"I am _not_—"

"ENOUGH!" Soichiro roared, and all eight occupants of the Kira Investigation Headquarters winced from the sheer might of the shockwave that was the Chief's voice. He grit his teeth, breathing hard, his eyes passing over his son, coworkers, and employer. Aizawa offered a napkin. Yagami took it gratefully to pat the sweat from his creased forehead.

"Light, your mother left countless messages on my cell phone demanding to speak with you. Could you please…?"

Still livid, Light stuck out his hand. No sooner had the phone touched his palm that it began to vibrate, Sachiko's name flashed violently on the screen. He took the call and sighed a "Yes, Mother?" into the receiver.

"Light, sweetheart, do you plan on wearing a dress or a tuxedo?"

His thumb itched toward **END CALL**. "A tux, Mother. Please, this is not the time."

"…Are you sure?"

"What? Yes, I am sure. Mother, could this wait? I'm in the middle of an important discussion."

"No, are you sure you want a tuxedo?"

"What? Yes. Why would you think I wouldn't?"

"Well, I've been giving it some thought and I think a dress would complement your form nicely."

Light thought he felt his gray matter drip from his ears. "Excuse me, but what?"

"I'm not going to have the pleasure of picking out Sayu's wedding dress for her, and so, I thought—"

"_Mother_," Light groaned, "no. No. No, no, no. Black tuxedo. I only want a simple black tuxedo. This is all I ask of you."

"Oh, but if you have a dress, Light, you will have long, gauzy veil and a bouquet and you can feel the silky fabric swishing about your legs—"

"Please, Mother."

"But dear, you have such nice legs."

"Nice _man_ legs," Light said before he could catch himself and his father cast him a look that lucidly asked, "What in the hell are you talking about?"

"If you got it, flaunt it," Sachiko pushed.

Light was dreadfully mystified. Now, he had never heard his dearest mother use that expression and he never thought she'd ever use it in reference to her most masculine son, but he'd be damned if he was about to let her think her mindfuckery had gotten the best of him as he stood there, mouth agape, giving the taskforce the honor of viewing his tongue and the whole of his sclera.

It was time to punish Sachiko.

"Okay," he said calmly. "Okay." He walked a ways from the team and cupped a hand by his mouth. "Only…"

"Yes? Yes, anything!"

"O-only could you, um, m-make sure," Light mumbled, forcing the stammer through his prideful throat, "m-make sure there's, um, lots of lace and frills. And ribbons."

"Oh my," Sachiko giggled, "my Light likes his trimmings."

"N-no, it's not that. It's just…"

"Hm?"

"He likes those things; Hideki, I mean. It reminds him of little girls."

Light took his mother's wordlessness as the cue to fold up the cell. He returned it to his father (who in turn gave him a questioning gaze) and frowned at L. The man had taken to staring off in the direction of the kitchenette, from which flowed buzzing, chirping voices.

Okay, he'd bite. "What is it?"

"Matsuda has not returned with my java," he answered. "Everyone knows how I get when I do not have my java." With that, he pulled Light-kun to the kitchen. As L crept closer and closer to the door, ears pricked, it became clear that he wasn't there for java or to join in the conversation.

"Ryuu—"

"Shhh," he murmured. He waved Light over, to spy through scant spacing between the door and the doorframe. Misa and Matsuda were coupled by the coffeepot, chatting animatedly. The smell of burnt coffee was ubiquitous.

"—so I figure you come with me to that new restaurant that came out."

"Really, Misa Misa?"

"Oh, yeah, and I'll foot the bill and everything."

"B-but what about Light? Aren't you still sad about him?"

"Yes, of course Matsuda. This is…just my way of getting over him." She gulped then, her bottom lip quivering. "I have to, right?"

"Okay," he said slowly. "Uh…you sure?"

She waved a hand. "Yes, yes. Seven o'clock at the White Swan, okay?"

Matsuda was not allowed the opportunity to confirm this arrangement, as L chose that moment to burst in, grumbling about how he might as well do everything himself if everyone was going to laze about. The officer squeaked and went about preparing a fresh pot.

Misa exhaled obnoxiously, shooting L the stink eye. "I'm off to my room, then." She stalked away, sights set on Watari, who would allow her passage to her quarters.

Once Matsuda had removed himself from their presence, Light crossed his arms. "You shouldn't have eavesdropped."

"Strange. She got over you so quickly."

"She's trying to cope. Don't intrude with her date with Matsuda. Please. This will be good for her."

"You're backing her. She knows something and you're trying to protect her. Up by two percent."

"Oh my God, not this again."

"Referring to God as your possession, two point three percent."

**(xxx)**

If television had taught Rem anything, it was that flowers made everything better. Flowers had magic properties that made people forgive one another, made illnesses leave, made people fall in love. In this case, Rem was hoping to achieve the latter. In this case, Rem had failed. Horribly.

It had been ten o'clock at night on the 29th. They had been about to climb into bed when Light had emitted a soft whine.

_"Sp…"_

_L was shaken out of his staring contest with the wall. "What is it Light-kun?"_

_"Sp…"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Spider," Light said faintly. "Spider. On me."_

_The eldest male looked toward the shivering voice and lo, there was the troublesome arachnid resting on Light's abdomen, paled from months of remaining indoors. Apparently, he had been in the middle of dressing into his night shirt when it had crawled on. It lay on that island of flesh, just above his belly button, napping in contentment. L squinted: it looked as if Light had been vigilant enough to retain his V._

_It also looked as if Light had a pinch of arachnophobia._

_"Ryuuzaki," he whispered with venom, "Ryuuzaki, help me."_

_This was wonderful. L hid his grin with the corner of his thumb. The pain doled to Light's pride was plain in his shamed eyes, having to reveal a weakness and beg for help simultaneously. Yes, this was good._

_My, when had he ever become so sadistic?_

_"Shoo," L muttered, poking the critter's leg to propel it from Light's stomach onto the other side of the bed. Charlotte had other plans, however, and chose to scuttle down south to settle on Light's crotch. Oh, for the love of…_

_"Getitoff, getitoff, getitoff," the boy chanted, "getitoff as carefully as possible."_

_Yes, because L absolutely did want to put his hand there. If Light hadn't warned him to use caution, he just might have went crazy and felt him up all over the place. L domed his hands and brought it, slowly, down upon the spider._

_Light went into hysterics. "No! No, not that! Use your fingers! Grab one of its legs and fling it out the window!"_

_Too late. The spider was trapped between a fleshy lock ad a hard place. Fully closing off the trap, L brought it over to the window and soon the building had one less spider terrorizing its inhabitants. A job well done. Light didn't think so._

_"I told you to just grab it by the leg! Instead, you ignored me and you touched me…you touched me, you…you pervert, I bet you do touch me at night, don't you, like Misa said—"_

_This boy. L gave him a scathing once over. He had helped this boy who was most likely Kira, who was most likely out to kill him. He had helped this spoiled brat who scribed names in his death book because of boredom, this whining brat who cries when people touch him as if no one has ever touched him there before. Look at this Light, this Light whose name is composed of the kanji for "moon," this Light who thinks that his elegant name and underwear model looks gives him the right to protest. L would have to put him in his place._

_"Get used to it, Light-kun," he said, and grabbed the boy's crotch._

Flowers, Rem learned, did not make humans love each other. Afterwards she had watched them battle until they were fatigued, which was around three o'clock in the morning.

They climbed into bed now, without a word passing between them. The time passed in a sloth-like fashion, both pointedly ignoring one another as they had done the night before. After a few stretches of silence, L spoke.

"Light-kun should not spread his legs so openly if he does not wish for others to touch him there."

"My legs were not open. They were closed, like they are now, so don't get any ideas."

"No, they were stretched very far apart. So much so, each foot may as well have been in a different country. That kind of body language is indicative of invitation."

"They were not, and you know it."

"I wonder, does Light-kun spread his legs so easily for anyone he shares a bed with?"

"You stop that train of thought right there."

"Just a question."

"A stupid one."

"Do you?"

"Do I what?"

Spread your legs easi—ow. Three points."

"If you are implying that I am promiscuous, that is none of your business."

"It is. I am L, and you are still my suspect."

"The mere thought of engaging any organ below my waist in any activity makes me ill, if that's what you want to know."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"I see. Two points."

"Oh, of course. It always comes back to Kira, doesn't it?"

"Kira think that the earthly urges of the human body, such as violence, is despicable enough to warrant punishment. It makes sense that he would look down upon sexual activity."

"I didn't ask you for an explanation because I knew it would be something absurd but that, Ryuuzaki, takes the cake."

"It's the loss of control, isn't it? The moments where you can not think. It makes Light-kun…Kira…feel vulnerable."

"Leave it alone. I'm trying to sleep."

"No, you're arguing with me."

"Of course I am. What would your life be like without our debates?"

L tapped the keyboard, made his spider fingers dances in one fluid motion to conjure a real estate website. Pastel houses iconic of suburbia smiled vacantly from the monitor. So this was a peek into their future of the domestic dumb show they would play out for neighbors and sisters and mothers.

Leaning into the screen, Light pointed out a small white house on a lonely street corner that bore an impressive resemblance to the Yagami household. "That looks nice."

"No tennis court."

"We could have one built, couldn't we?"

"Mm…" L's eyes gravitated toward the clock. Eleven fifty-seven. An uneventful birthday. Maybe if he…

Picking at the hole in the jeans, the man decided it wouldn't actually be losing if he didn't mean it in the first place. What mattered were the benefits. He spoke clearly and concisely. "I'm sorry, Light-kun, for my behavior that night."

"Oh," Light eyed him, leery. "Uh, you're forgiven. I guess."

For his sins? L stuffed down the words, "Three percent" and continued. "You also did a good job today."

Light knew it was rude, but he stared. "Thanks…?"

L gave a smile just to be cruel. Light was aghast.

"Stop that. What the hell has come over you?"

"Nothing. I'm just proud that soon I'll be able to call you my wife."

L suddenly found himself as the mercy of a fluffy, white pillow.

"Yamami-kum is cuttim omf myf arr."

"Good, you creep." Face smashed into the pillow, L blinked. It was funny how one could tell another was smiling just from the timbre and inflection of their voice.

Throwing the pillow off, he spared a glance at the computer clock. Eleven fifty-nine. It had been worth a try. As he despaired the results of his most carefully laid plans, there was the familiar crackle of plastic and out from the depths of Light's pockets came a beautiful sugar treat. "Here," he said, tossing it into L's lap, "Happy Birthday. Whenever that is."

Oh, the irony.

A curious jack-o-lantern beamed vibrantly at him, smothered in the plastic. It was quite ghoulish and ugly, but L was sure it was tasty all the same. He touched it to his lips. He nibbled at the wrapping. It was a very stately-looking pumpkin, all neat in its plastic wrap. Maybe it wasn't so ugly. It did remind him of Light, after all. He glanced at his bedmate, buried under the comforter cavern.

"This is an exceptional gift."

"What?" Light flopped over on his side. "Oh. Yeah."

"Yes."

"Aren't you going to eat it?"

An act of communion? Three more points. "No."

Sighing, Light flung the cover over his head, mumbling how he couldn't deal with L's strangeness now, and was asleep in seconds. The detective knew to listen for the soft rustling of a rising and falling blanket, the whisper of his breath in waves, look for the fitful dreaming that would force Light's head from the cloth cocoon. Through the silent tantrums, L opened the Whammy House files and came face to face with the grim countenances of lovable orphans Keehl, Mihael and Rivers, Nate. Young Nate, known in this institute as Near, was the top scorer of all exams administered so far since the age of eight, with young Mihael, known as Mello, came in at a close second. Near, nonetheless, did not possess the people skills his job as L would require, as was true of Mello. That was one thing that they had in common, the stats stipulated.

This was all very unsatisfactory. In all honesty, since L had cooked up a different plan on the car ride from the Yagami household, he wouldn't need these brats to assume his title once he kicked the bucket. And all it had taken was a simple hacking of Kiyomi Takada's email account.

All the same, the Mello child would make an acceptable flower girl.

L rang Watari. "Are these the same children who stared me down with those nasty looks in their eyes when I last spoke at the House?"

"Yes."

He chewed at his knuckle. "I like them."

"…I know you do."

"Still, it's disappointing," he said casually, sight trained on Light's parted lips and lashes. "Light-kun would make a better successor."

A muteness followed. "Yes," Watari said, voice pregnant with reticence. "Yes, I suppose so."

"I'll send for them, anyway." He scratched at the bed sheets with twitchy toes. "Have them arrive by the fourth of November, the latest."

In a click the conversation was over, and in the darkness there was nothing left to do but sift through Kira fan pages and general news sites. He stopped on one, the bold heading of an article catching his eye.

**The 17th Anniversary of the Madness in Winchester**

_Edward Spencer looks distantly toward an empty lot. It's unfinished, girdled partially by a chain-linked fencs. A cat saunters by and pokes its nose into one of the links. A piece of newspaper skitters across the cracked asphalt. There are candy wrappers scattered like confetti in the fissures, the footprint of roaming school children. A lone car tire rests forever against the fence._

"_I used to live here," Spencer says. A cold breeze blasts our faces. His eyes grow wet. "When I was a boy. I used to live here with my uncle. He was a politician."_

_No doubt there were many other children who lived in this city with their politicking relatives when the bombs came out of the sky, leaving them without families and houses._

"_I still have dreams about it," Spencer sniffs, hands in his pockets, bowing his head against the wind. "It's like it happened yesterday…"_

On the top of the page, an ad banner scrolled pictures aimlessly, featuring a family of three. The black-haired baby in his mother's arms. The black-haired baby bouncing on his father's knee. The black-haired baby watching the skies for streaking jets. The black-haired baby standing dazedly in steaming, smoking rubble. Click. The x was pushed and the window was gone.

When the persons responsible were questioned on why, the answers had been bereft of all the logic and reason the question of "why" seeks. "Draw the world into madness," one scruffy 21-year-old had boasted. "Kick start a revolution!" another had screamed. Arrogance. Winchester was hardly the world.

Revolution. _Revolution_. Who were they kidding? What revolution? Man was either cursed to hang about stationary or regress. And that, that was why Kira was doomed to failure. Had been. He turned to Light, sleeping as peacefully as all daemons and cherubim do. Still was.

L's vision slipped from Light's face to his hand, and on top of that hand was L's own, stroking in slow linearity. In his thoughts, he had discovered a rare visceral comfort in his companion's knuckles and digits. L stopped fondling. Movement made is hard to appreciate Light's smoothness and warmth, and now, that was very much what he needed.

**(xxx)**

If you would like to **suggest anything, criticize, etc, please review.**


	4. Double Dates Do Not Sate

**Chapter 4: Double Dates Do Not Sate**

Light liked patterns. He liked boxes and lists and categories and graph paper, where everything could be contained and ordered. Microsoft Excel was his favorite program. The only pie he favored was in the form of a chart. His most treasured possessions were his filing cabinet and vacuum cleaner. An ordered life was a clean life, and cleanliness was one tier below godliness, wasn't it?

At the same time, Light sometimes wanted to fling the cards out of his Rolodex, tear apart the folders, pull the staples and paper clips out of his life like one would do with a splinter or a Band-Aid. However, the stickler in him would always slap his hand away, and he would go back to color coding his notes.

At the same time, Light despised the cleanliness. The desire for mess, dirt, and chaos sighed sweetly on dull Saturday afternoons. The wish to coat a paintbrush in sodden red and slash it across his bedroom walls would whisper high and eerie to him when he found his life falling too neatly in place.

Sometimes, he really did wonder if he had been Kira.

The morning of November 1st, Light took a shower because showers were iconic of order. There was a specific system to taking a shower.

LINE 1: Gather clothes and preferred towel.

LINE 2: Arrive at bathroom. Move to bathtub.

LINE 3: Turn on cold water and hot water.

LINE 4: When water is the correct temperature, get into the tub to stand under shower head.

LINE 5: Apply cleansing products. Rinse, lather, repeat. Bask in the heat.

It was an attractive system that Light regularly took pleasure in. So he woke up and partook of the system, and situated himself under spouts of steamy water. There was no chain biting his wrists, no such thing as the threat of marital bliss lurking on the horizon; just him and hot cleanliness.

He closed his eyes. Showers were little fountains of relief that he so rightly deserved.

Light was suddenly very aware of the pale shadow wafting just outside of the shower curtain. Determined to keep the peace, he turn his mind away and onto the periodic table of elements, another form of relief.

"Hydrogen, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium, Boron, Carbon, Nitrogen," he recited in one breath. "Cerium, Praseodymium…"

"Light-kun forgot at least forty-seven elements," said the thing that wasn't there.

Mendeleev and Moseley help him.

"Neodymium, Promethium, Samarium, Europium," Light mumbled and shrieked when the thing that didn't exist swept aside the curtain and hopped right into the tub. The shock of L's stumbling forearm on Light's stomach shook him more than any gush of ice water over his body. He moved to shield himself.

"Don't be silly. I have seen you naked plenty of times before," the detective stated calmly, his indifference as remarkable as his clothes were sopping.

"Why. Are. You. Here?"

"To remind Light-kun that he has a date and to hurry. It takes you almost half an hour to clean yourself, five minutes to comb your hair, two minutes to brush your teeth, three minutes to—"

"Date?"

"—I should hope not, Light-kun. Although that would explain how you would be able to go out with twelve girls on a single Saturday."

"You've been reading my diary?"

"You _are_ my suspect."

"Get out. I was enjoying my shower until you barged in."

"Three minutes to admire yourself in the mirror—do not push me, Light-kun. Two percent."

"A date? With who?" Light shook the stubborn bottle of green apple shampoo over his head. "No one has heard from me since my disappearance. That's awfully coincidental that people are seeking me out only a few days after my release."

"Ah. That's because it was not all of a sudden. Takada-san has been e-mailing you for three months straight."

"All for a date? …You broke into my account?"

"Yes. I thought you might need someone to clean up all the spam bursting out of your inbox."

"Odd, seeing how you make no move to cleanse your workplace of candy wrappers and bakery boxes."

"You're welcome. Is Light-kun having trouble with that bottle?"

"No. I just love shaking it out over my hair and having nothing come out."

L scratched his belly lazily, watching Light tap the bottom of the bottle to coax out the liquid. The hot water struck Light's hands to turn them pink and blotchy and wrinkled. Those smooth, soothing hands were suffering with each wasted second on that bottle. Annoyance simmered in L's belly.

He stepped forward, stretching over Light to catch his wrist. "Allow me."

Light tottered in reverse, then turned around. If L must grab something, he rather it was his ass and not… "Why the hell are you still here? Get out!"

"Light-kun made no argument when I took showers with him before."

"That was when you were chained to me! It was necessary! You don't need to…wait. Wait."

"Yes?"

The younger male opened his mouth, closed it, and glared at L's forehead so hard L wouldn't have been surprised if he felt his skin melt off. "How…tall are you, exactly?"

A smugness warmed him. "Hmm…hold that thought. Let me get to my full height." And L rose up on the tips of his toes, bending backwards and making a grand show of pressing the kinks out of his spine. Light resolved not to pout at the result. L stood over him, dwarfing him by a roundabout nine inches.

What an asshole.

"I'll fix that problem for you," L said, hands flowing toward the bottle. A knife-thin grin threatened to split his face in half.

"No!" Light snapped at him from over his shoulder. He hugged the shampoo to him. "Leave now. I can do this myself, thank you."

"One should always listen to their elders."

"I am not a child."

"You may as well be one to me."

"Out!" At his wit's end, Light flung the plastic at L's head. He caught it. Light, scowling, crossed his arms over his chest.

L twisted the cap off. "Ah, see? There's some dried shampoo here. Yes, let's poke out some of this…yes, very good."

Light made a point of rolling his eyes. "Must you broadcast the procedure?"

"Some soap here…"

It wasn't very long before L's voice merged with white noise, becoming jumbled with the rushing steam and water. His boredom agonizing, Light busied himself by glaring at L's shirt. Why did this man have so many identical shirts? He supposed he wore something so commonplace to melt into the background, but if that were true, he should change his physical appearance while he was at it. His face was a good place to start. Or his insane pose. Couldn't you cripple yourself by sitting and standing like that? Where the hell did this man get so many identical shirts? There had to be a store out there that sold L brand shirts that were white and rough and worn and loose and yet so snug when they got so wet, sticking so tightly to the skin, unveiling a patchwork of beige and cotton and allowing a pebble-like pinkness to poke through.

An outpouring of lime-green goo sliding down his hair and into his eyes made Light scream.

"Oh. I didn't think it was so watery."

"OH YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WAS SO WATERY, DID YOU? GET OUT!"

"How will Light-kun rid his eyes of shampoo if I leave?"

"…Stay to clean out my eyes. Then get out."

Arctic waters washed over Light's head. The scream rose in pitch and shook with rage.

"Ah. It got cold. We should fix that heating system."

They left the bathroom and entered the bedroom with a wound count of one split lip, seven black-and-blues, three welts and periwinkle skin.

"Hey," Light said as he pulled on his black shirt, "Last night…" He looked over at L, peeling off his wet shirt. Slowly, he turned his sights onto his own shirt to inspect for lint.

"Yes, Light-kun?"

"Last night…were you talking out loud last night?" Light looked back. The shirt was halfway over his torso, white stomach merging with white cloth. Light swung his eyes away. That lint wasn't going to hunt itself.

Ryuuzaki gave Light his usual bored stare. "No. Did you hear something?"

"Shuddering gasps and gulps…almost like…"

"Hm…?"

"My mistake…I had to be dreaming."

"You dream, Light-kun?"

"Of course I do." He tugged his slacks up, buttoning with haste. "I suppose you don't, if you don't even sleep."

They dressed quietly and in tandem, Ryuuzaki breathing loudly, a mosquito in the ears. Light pursed his lips and fingered a loose thread on his sleeve. As they finally tromped to the door, ready to begin their day, Ryuuzaki stopped. His thumb popped into his mouth.

"I do dream. And I have only dreamed twice in my life—the dreams that I remember, at least."

Now why should he tell him this, then? Light smiled, waiting for details or an explanation. Ryuuzaki hopped to his other foot. Poked his toes into the plush carpeting.

"You were in it, I think."

Light plucked the bangs from his eyes. "Really?"

"Yes," his companion mumbled, eyes rolling ceiling-ward. "You were wearing a top hat and a monocle. You hit my hand with your cane every time I ate a marshmallow Peep. I think you were angry because I wouldn't eat your chocolates, even though I kept on telling you that I was saving the best for last."

"I would never give you chocolates. They're terrible for your health."

"Never?"

"Never."

"That is a shame. Maybe you should bring Takada some chocolates, for your date."

Light peered in the mirror, combing through his hair with his fingers. "She hates chocolate. Besides, I'm not going on any date."

"You should. You need to relax. I'm sure this case has had its toll on your mentality. Please, go have fun."

Light fastened his eyes to L's through the mirror, the study of doubles of doubles. "What are you planning?" he wondered out loud, more to himself because he knew the man would refuse to tell him the truth.

"Nothing, Light-kun," L said. "Why are you so mistrusting? I must question if this is a quality of Kira…"

The boy groaned and knocked his forehead against the glass. "Okay. I'll go out, if not to balance out your insanity with Takada's rationality."

"My insanity will be far removed from your presence. I will be observing your date from some distance away."

"So you won't be joining us and being just plain obnoxious? Alright," Light snorted, "now I _know_ you're planning something."

"Please have a nice time," L said cheerily with a huge, unnatural smile and the chill that it sent through Light's spine told him specifically that he would _not_.

**(xxx)**

Takada waited outside of The White Swan, arms crossed against the cold. She fussed with her hair in the restaurant window's reflection. Checked it again. Checked it twice. Was that a wrinkle in her blouse? She knew Yagami hated wrinkles. There had to be a way to smooth this out.

Yagami's e-mail had been a grand surprise to Takada. There it was—the answer to four month's worth of letters (anxiously asking after his welfare) highlighted in her inbox this morning. She had worried that her four week break in penning e-mails would result in no response, a jinx if you will, but it had had the desired effect in the end. She had double clicked without hesitation and was met with a request to rendezvous for dinner:

_Dear Takada-san,_

_It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm so sorry about making you wait. I've had so much going on in my family life lately that I couldn't make time to get back to you. Again, I am sorry. It's my fault. I know you were worried._

_No, I am _not _dating Misa Amane. I have only a theory how that rumor began. I ran into the upcoming model at the university. She was nearby, and she had mistaken me for her boyfriend (we're very similar from behind). Of course, people talk and twist words, so I don't think it was impossible for some insinuations and implications to turn into "Light Yagami is dating Misa Amane."_

_Allow me to make up the months of unrest to you. I've heard great things about the White Swan. Meet me at seven thirty. We have lots to discuss._

_Light_

Takada had done a happy dance, gained back her sense of professionalism, and continued her dance of joy in classy attire. Today she would win all of Yagami's heart for sure. Flipping open her compact mirror, she scrutinized her makeup.

Misa Amane, hm? No, Takada wasn't worried about her. The girl was brain-dead as far as she was concerned and Light Yagami had no interest in empty skulls. He valued intellect, a thriving, throbbing mind to stimulate him.

But it was funny. They were boyfriend and girlfriend in name, yes, but Takada was smart enough to know that Yagami was not in love with her. Not even close. He would smile at her, tell her how pretty she was, how clever, how brilliant, but Takada could see that unspoken statement in his face that read like a neon sign, "I'm bored with you, I'm better than you, and I can list the reasons 'why' backwards and even have a mathematical equation prepared to prove it as a scientific fact."

It was a challenge that screamed to Takada to bring him down, down to the level of ants and lotuses, and she was up for it. And she would do it how Light did it to her—with love.

There was the prince now, swaggering up the walk in tan slacks and a simple black shirt, white lilies bundled in his arms. No Hideki Ryuuga in sight, loping after Yagami, attached to his hip (read: ASS) as a leech would fix itself to warm, blood-tracked flesh. Takada felt the relief sweep through her like a rush of morphine and tried on her best smile in front of the mirror. Simple twisting lips achieved the look of perfection, ample amounts of warmth and sensuality applied to her face along with a thin coating of pale plum lipstick. She was ready for battle.

"Light," she greeted, nodding graciously at him. He proffered the bouquet to her. "Kiyomi," he murmured, and she could see the deep, doe-brown eyes inch towards his wrist watch. Too good for mortal women, Yagami?

They strode in, watched carefully by a pair of great, black eyes. The brain behind these great, black eyes was so impressed with his work, he felt entitled to a creamy Boston cream pie, with extra cream. He ordered one, with the proper number of whipped cream cans, ignoring all the while the face of his waitress that was caught up in some horrible mess of fascination and fear. She scurried off to inform the kitchen of the upcoming order of instant heart attack. L took to observing Light and the brilliant Miss Toh-Oh from the back of the White Swan.

L wasn't playing chaperon for nothing. His plan was two–tiered, involving the…lovely couple at table eight as well as the pair of paramours entering, stage left, at eight o' five. He pretended to be engrossed in the menu as Matsuda and Misa were led to their table by a frowning waitress. She had L's hard-won sympathies. It was very hard to be happy around the bumbling Matsuda. With verve, the man swung a chair out for Misa (the leg of which knocked the girl powerfully in the ankle), who simpered pleasantly enough despite the visible stiffness of her lips. She was regretting this already. They settled quietly at their table; Misa, bugged by Matsuda and Matsuda, bugged…with wires. Unknowingly so.

What, did he think L had given him that suit from the kindness of his heart?

Everything was as L had planned it. Each couple sat at their reserved seats, skillfully situated at opposite ends of the restaurant. There was a twenty percent chance one couple would run into the other on the way to or in the lavatories, but that wasn't much of a problem. Takada, Amane and Matsuda would all chalk it up to coincidence. There was already a ninety-five percent chance of Light having sussed out L's plans (at least concerning Matsuda and Amane) from the looks he kept tossing to the detective. L was of the opinion that Light should stop with this careless and suspicious tossing of glances. He was not there, in the end, to alert Light's date of his attendance.

It was perhaps a little foolish, then, to situate himself on table eight's side of the eatery, but it was far more important that Amane did not discover he was there. This was an appropriate location for his observations, yes. He was not so far in the back that he could not read Light's lips, not so far he could not appreciate the candle light sweeping over his face, bringing out the honey glow in his irises.

"_What are _you_ looking at, hm?"_ Light's lips questioned, then wound into a slow, small smile. L blinked rapidly, performing a visual double take. Stupidly, he realized the question had been aimed at Takada, who giggled girlishly (and mindlessly, as L noticed she always did around Light). L dropped his head back behind the menu, eyes passing over the items idly, the Boston cream pie resting, quietly ignored, on its dish.

The conversation at table eight was bland, to say the least.

"How is your father? Your family?" Takada began, perusing the menu.

"They are well, thank you," Light replied, keeping one eye on his own menu and another on the detective gnawing moodily at his thumb. He curiously felt he should work his plans of marriage into the conversation. It would be rude to disappear off the face of the planet again. Not to mention, it would be fantastic to rid Takada forever from his arm. The woman was brilliant, but she could cling like plastic wrap.

Surprisingly, it was Takada who broached the topic. "So, Light," she said, placing her chin atop her interlaced fingers, "what has been happening with your life?"

Happening…? What exactly did L say when he replied to her e-mail?

"You don't seem to be having family issues." She sipped at her water, never breaking her gaze. "If you did, you would find the question a little…sensitive, would you not?"

Light shook his head. "Now, Kiyomi," he said smilingly, "don't you think that's private?"

"Private? Ah…I see." Takada set down her glass. "Okay. Light, I'm your _girlfriend_. Don't I deserve to be let into your life?"

So it began. It always happened with the girls Light dated. They failed to understand that "girlfriend" meant someone you showed off to your parents, wined and dined, took long walks with, cuddled with, and left alone in their apartment when the skin got too hot. Takada certainly fit the "girlfriend" category.

Light picked from his stock responses. "Kiyomi, a lot has gone on in my life lately," he murmured, taking her hand. She, frowning, slipped her hand out from under his. She was silent as she flipped open her compact and brushed the hair away from her forehead in quick motions. Her left eye twitched as she fixated on something. Pursing her lips, she slammed it close.

"I heard a rumor," she said finally, and Light could tell she was being careful with her words.

"I'm listening. Go on." Light made sure to lean forward, tilt his head, and furrow his brow to perfect the simulation of attentiveness.

Attentiveness allowed Light to spot Takada's lip curl in the shadows of candles. "I heard that you and that m-"

The waiter intercepted the discussion. "Are you both ready to order now?"

"Wine," Takada snapped. "A lot of it."

Light stared in quiet horror at the menu and hoped to high heaven L was footing the bill.

Mysteriously cheerful, L attended the conversation of lucky couple #2.

"-and I did! I ate the whole thing!" Matsuda finished, a smile stretched across his face.

"That's nice," Misa chirped. "Uh...Oh, good! Our wine is here."

"MisaMisa, I don't think I should…"

She waved away Matsuda's protest with a flippant hand, pouring him a glass with the other. "But you've been working awfully hard on the Kira case, haven't you? You need to relax!"

He stared doubtfully into the crystal. "It has been awhile…well, it hasn't, but…this wine is expensive, huh?"

Misa laughed it off. "I think I can afford it. The movie I'm making is going to be a sure-fire hit! So don't worry about it, Matsu."

"Hey! It's not like I can't afford it, either! H-here!" Masculine pride wounded, Matsuda's hands dove for his wallet.

"If you insist, we can always go half on the bill. You don't seem to have brought very much."

"Oh…" Sheepishly, Matsuda put his dusty wallet away.

"Go on, try it," Misa coaxed, pushing the drink towards him. Through the night she nursed her glass. Matsuda, on the other hand, chose to turn tiny sips into greedy gulps. In glee, Misa provided the conversation as the Merlot disappeared. After about an hour, dazed and woozy Matsuda was a sight to drink in. Success.

"Alright," Misa said in a low voice. "Matsuda, why don't you tell me how the Kira case is going?"

L, who had chosen to stare for the past forty-five minutes at Light outlining excuses with his lips, almost choked on his pie.

"What? Whazzat?" Matsuda leaned into Misa, so much so his nose tapped hers. "Speak. Speak…SPEAK UP."

"I said-"

"Mi…Misa!"

Vibrant distaste painted the blonde's stare. "Yes?"

"Misa…Misa…MisaMisa!"

"What? What is it?"

"…MisaMisaMisaMisaMisaMisa…"

Swallowing his mouthful of pie, L knew he could rest easy. The case's confidentiality would remain intact tonight. He had to hand it to Misa, though. She knew how to pick her (involuntary) informants. He had underestimated her. L pouted around his fork—fifty-five percent chance Misa was a conscious Kira. He half-listened to Matsuda's drunken nonsense as Light's mouth caught his interest again.

"What were you saying, Kiyomi?"

"I was saying that I heard some very…disturbing rumors."

"Concerning…?"

"Concerning…you and…and Ryuuga."

Now _this_ was interesting. L examined Light's face thoroughly. Was that anger flaming in his eyes or just the reflection of the candles? Surely the way Light's body went rigid was not a trick of the light, as well. All in all, Light clearly did not like the insinuations.

The stately boy straightened up in his chair. "Do tell," he said thinly.

It appeared that Takada was using all her willpower to avoid rolling her eyes at something oh-so-obvious. "Light, please. That man? He followed you everywhere on campus. You both had the same classes. You both went to the _bathroom_ at the same time. Or he followed you into the bathroom. Did he follow you into the bathroom? I think you can get a restraining order against him, right? Your father _is _the chief of police."

"Kiyomi," Light broke in, smile straining, "what are they saying about me and Ryuuga?"

Takada grasped so tightly around her glass, Light could have sworn cracks appeared in the crystal. "What do you think? Ryuuga has such a touching fascination with you, I would be surprised if people _weren't_ claiming you were…together."

As Takada glared into her cup, Light and L's eyes locked. Light mouthed something to L, something like _"I think she's gone mad,"_ but L couldn't catch it, no matter how hard he stared at Light's lips.

"Kiyomi, you have it all wrong."

"He makes goo-goo eyes at you."

"Goo…? No, Kiyomi, I think he looks that way at everyone. That's just how his eyes are."

She snorted. "Funny. You're a funny man, Light." She tilted her head back, and the wine slid down her throat. Not very lady-like, but at this point she could care less.

"I'm not trying to be funny."

"Is that where you disappeared off to, back in…what was it, May? June? Went to his place?"

"I didn't…go to…Tak—Kiyomi, what is the matter with you?"

"Why did we do this, then? This date? What were you thinking? Be honest, you wanted to shove your happiness in my face. It's not like you even thought about me…"

"That's not true."

"Why so suddenly? Why, after all those e-mails…? Hmm?"

Light's patience had faded quite awhile ago. "Kiyomi, if you asked me out just to verbally abuse me, then I think I've had enough for tonight."

Hideki, in spite of his plans going awry, was enjoying the show with a second helping of Boston cream pie. Then things at table thirteen took a turn for the worse.

"Hi-Gu-Chi," Misa annunciated. "Did you find something out about him?"

"Chi-Gu-Hi?" Matsuda mumbled. "Mm…we found out…about his magic…magic notepad!"

"Notepad…?" Misa pondered, and L had sprinted over to them before his fork clattered on the table (which was impossible, because he had not bothered to put the silverware down in the first place, carrying his treasured dessert over with him).

"Hey guys!" he cried in a very un-L way. He pulled a chair from a nearby table (much to the chagrin to the people who occupied it) and slouched into it, jamming his mouth full of pie. "'Sup, Matsuda?"

"'Sup."

Misa sneered behind her smiling, pretty, pouty lips. "Ryuuzaki. I did not know you were here. What. A. _Pleasant_ surprise."

"I know!" he uttered with enthusiasm. "Isn't. That. The. Darnedest. Thing. And. I. Did not. Know. It was. So trendy. To. Speak. Like. This." He ripped off a piece of pie, presenting it to Misa. "Want some?"

She declined. Matsuda accepted.

"What wine do we have here? Merlot? Excellent. Here, Matsuda, have another round."

"But…but the bottle is empty."

"How terrible. I'll just have to order more. You're looking very sleepy, Matsuda. Are you sure you can handle it?"

"Wha…?"

"You see? You're not even paying attention."

"No, I was just distracted by how funny you're being, Ryuuzaki. I can handle it! Handle it like the handle bars on a tricycle! I am handy. This is some good pie."

"Waitress! Some of your most expensive, alcoholic wine, please!"

Misa was glowering at Ryuuzaki so hard her eyes crossed; the result of furiously banging her brain cells together to figure out his plan, no doubt. "Ryuuzaki," she said, keeping up her charming smile, "could you leave? I would like to be alone with my date tonight."

"Naah," Matsuda thankfully (for once) butted in. "Let Ryuuzaki stay. He's paying for the wine!"

"I never said that."

"But Matsuda, sweetie," Misa reasoned, "I want to be with you." She batted her black, spidery eyelashes at him.

Pulling out his bottom lip, Matsuda protested. "_I _don't! You've been grilling me all night! And not in a good way!"

"There's never a good way to grill someone, Matsuda-san."

Matsuda rubbed his chin, attempting to tease apart this brainteaser, when the bottle was plunked down in front of him. Before Misa could do much in the way of anything, Matsuda had opened the bottle, its cork shooting off and rebounding against Misa's forehead. In a huff, the superstar gathered her purse into her arms and flounced away. L sat back. Mission accomplished.

Off in the distance, he spotted Takada likewise getting out of her chair to cross over to the exit and storm out. Light strolled after her, warding off any detectable signs of embarrassment with a stoic countenance that would rival Mogi's.

"I'll leave the bottle with you, Matsuda-san. Put the bill on Mr. 'Eric White's' tab. Have a nice evening." He rushed away to trail after the departing couple, leaving Matsuda to wonder just who Mr. Eric White was.

Outside, Takada let loose on Light. "You _knew_ he was here, didn't you? I thought I was going crazy, but then I saw him in my _mirror_."

"Kiyomi…"

"What, you brought him along just for giggles? You have him follow you like a lost puppy when you go out on DATES? What is your problem?"

"Listen to me…"

"Then you're looking at him the entire time!"

L, safe in the bushes nearby, pricked his ears at this.

"I was not-!"

"You were, you were! You looked at him with…that…the way the girls all look at you! Christ, Yagami, why not stop lying to yourself?"

This very much affronted Light. "Pardon?" he demanded. "Lying about what, if I may ask?"

She opened her mouth, index finger stuck into the air to make her point. Grinding out an "Argh!" of frustration, she gave up. Takada wheeled 180˚ and stomped off, slamming her shoes against the walk so hard her right heel broke clean off. She cried out as she teetered in midair.

Light caught her arm. "Kiyomi…" he hummed soothingly in her ear, as he walked her to a bench, the bushes beside it suddenly ceasing its rustling. "Please, listen to me. It was not my intention to offend you."

Takada lifted her gaze from her clasped hands to Light's own eyes, dunk in shadows. "Light, you know I value integrity…so tell me directly. Do you hold any affection for me? Any at all?"

Light's mouth wobbled, searching for the right words and sounds. This _was_ direct—he had to give Takada points there. He considered kissing her, to both distract from and "answer" the question, but then he remembered Misa and how well that had turned out.

He sat beside her, sighing. "Yes," he replied softly, taking her hand. In all honesty, Takada had used the term "affection," and Light did feel as much affection for her as he could for any human being in the friendliest of fashions (and he did stress the "friend" part).

She faced him, watching him for a moment. She tipped her head forward, eyes hooded. "Then kiss me, Light."

He did. There was no feeling. All was numb.

Strange how thoughts could conenct across space—"numb" was precisely how L felt, squished between brambles as lips mashed up against each other, mashed and mashed and clashed, spittle flying like blood. He should have felt ecstatic, or something close to ecstatic, like a distant sense of accomplishment that was more appropriate of the unfeeling animal that was L but…no. This was surprising, seeing how all was going according to plan. The love hotel just three blocks away had plenty of rooms available and L had placed the proper "protection" in Light's trousers back in headquarters.

Although, it couldn't properly be called "protection" if it had been tampered with, yes?

It would pan out perfectly. Light would romance Takada, sweeping her off her feet and into the hotel. They would have relations, using the faulty condom. Takada would become pregnant. Not wanting to interfere with her or Light's career, she would seek any means to be rid of the baby. This would be where L would come in. Through a proxy, he would offer the expecting mother all the money in the world to have her baby. Takada would accept eventually, and L would have a successor to mold in his image, fresh and from scratch.

L suddenly didn't care for the plan anymore. L suddenly wanted to crawl away, into the limousine waiting a few blocks away, and eat any confectionery at hand until his stomach imploded. This was understandable. All he had had for sugar all day was that less-than-stellar pie.

He was just about to enact Plan S(ulk) when Light pushed himself away from Takada. He looked as bewildered as Takada looked disappointed. "I'm sorry…no. I can't do this."

Takada moved away from him. "Light, what is it with you? How did you become so ambivalent in the past few months you were away?"

Light shook his head, kneading his forehead with his palms. "I…wouldn't use that term to describe me, but okay. I guess I deserve that."

She stood, smoothing out her dress. Her eyes passed over him coldly. "Is there someone else…Yagami-kun?"

From Light's mouth came "No," as his head bopped "Yes." He opened his mouth. Closed it. Huh.

"See? Ambivalent." Takada wrapped her arms around herself. "I hope you get back on the right track, Yagami-kun. Being indecisive was never your forte."

Light rolled his fingers around in his hair. This night was a night of ultimate suck.

"Though…" she muttered, slipping off her heels, "…it would have been nice if you didn't get my hopes up with that e-mail you sent, inviting me out here in the first place."

Light's head shot up. L nibbled his knuckles.

"What did you say?"

"The e-mail you sent. The one that said you would clear up all suspicions about Amane? Funny, she didn't even come up in conversation, if you could even call that a conversation."

Light's lips flapped open and closed like a goldfish's, and his eyes seared with rage. Ah. The pieces were all clicking together, weren't they? Was this what it felt like to be a pawn?

"Goodnight, Takada-san. It was nice talking to you again. I apologize for what happened this evening. Would you like me to call a cab…?"

"No thanks, I am doing so as we speak. Ah, the bill…who is going to…Yagami-kun? You are walking home?"

But Light was already turning the corner, curses on his tongue.

**(xxx)**

Eraldo Coil, L, and Danuve sat in the bushes, twigs poking him(them) uncouthly in the ribs. They sat, trying to discern what they were feeling at the moment.

Eraldo Coil: (dismissively) We're incensed. Our allegedly genius friend has ruined our hard work and plans. Come on, let's drown our sorrows in Splenda.

Danuve: (cautiously) Don't be so glib about it. He doesn't usually act like this. Right, L? Oh, and news flash: Light isn't a friend.

Eraldo Coil: I _said _"allegedly."

Danuve: You used that exquisite little adverb for "genius," not "friend." Don't get his hopes up.

Eraldo Coil: "Our" hopes, you mean.

Danuve: Please do not allow any possible leeway for the development of MPD.

Eraldo Coil: (firmly) MPD does not exist.

Danuve: No one knows that for a fact.

Eraldo Coil: It can't be an authentic illness. Almost all cases are common only in North America.

Danuve: We are not in North America.

Eraldo Coil: And we don't have MPD. See how that works?

Danuve: (to himself) …Fascinating…

Eraldo Coil: My logic…?

Danuve: No…you…

Eraldo Coil: Really? …you're pretty interesting yourself.

Danuve: (breathlessly) Eraldo…

Eraldo Coil: (murmuring) Danuve…

Danuve: I…I always had a grudging admiration of you, you know?

L: I'm out of here.

Leaving his two personas in the bushes, L strolled down the sidewalk with the other several hundred. The moon was fat and round in the darkened heavens, the clouds swirling like smoke around it, and L's mind found itself scrutinizing everything in the past three minutes. Light's lips on Takada's. Takada's lips on his. The fight. The mist in Light's eyes. The moons in Light's eyes. His anger as he glided down the street like a vengeful phantom. His plan had failed, and he had done nothing to counteract it. He had failed. That can on the side of the road needed a good kick, he felt. The can went flying.

What of Light's actions? He had spent forever kissing Takada when he could have been impregnating her! The nerve! The impudence! That can mocked him something terrible!

Five minutes too long, wasted on kissing that woman. Takada, also, could have used that time wisely. Perhaps she wasn't a prime pick of mates. L didn't want his successor to be so careless with a precious and limited resource like time. Take that, Mr. Pib!

L pulled out the pumpkin lollipop, still jovial and orange as ever, if not a little crushed from constantly being shoved into his pockets. He bet it didn't even taste that good. In fact, he could purchase a great many more! He should throw it away—the trash can on the corner would suffice. Stomping his feet, he approached it with confidence.

The shine of the plastic wrap drew L's eye above, to the bright, laughing moon. For the first time in his life, L was fascinated. It teased him when he needed it the most, smiled at him on the darkest of hours, breathed soft moans in the night that reassured L that it was still alive, that it hadn't died when the blank had fired into his face, only inspired nightmares and mental grief which was somewhat worse and made L feel somewhat worse but the fact was that the moon made L feel at all, and he hoped he made the moon feel, too. Just a little.

Maybe it was just a little cruel, but as the moon drifted overhead, L felt Watari could wait a few more hours. If it was one thing L excelled at, it was watching. Tonight his subject would be the moon.

**(xxx)**

When Takada reached her apartment, a petite blonde girl was waiting for her on the front steps. She looked very close to dozing off, but jumped up when Takada approached. It was a whole two minutes before the dark-haired woman recognized her.

"Amane…?" she muttered. What was the pig-tailed cretin doing here?

"Kiyomi-chan," Misa sighed sweetly, "I couldn't help but notice how you made a ginormous topsy-turvy smiley at Ryuuga tonight when he was sitting at my table. He always makes ME frowny-faced, I know that for sure!" She hopped down the steps like a bunny, hair bobbing up and down as she bounded on her tippy toes. The childish joy in her eyes was…frightening. Takada scuttled backwards as the teen idol held out her hands "peacefully", palms upward, her black-painted nails brandished like butcher knives.

Misa clapped her hands. "Together, Kiyomi-chan, we could make a wonderful team: the Getting Rid of Hideki the Stupid Sodomite brigade. What do you say?"

Takada willed herself not to snicker in her face. This girl couldn't be serious. All the same, there was that startling determination in Misa's face that Takada saw in herself that morning—the one that read, "Light Yagami is mine, and that is that."

She'd do it. Why not? The enemy of my enemy… So, she stuck out her hand and struck a deal with…not the Devil, but his deceivingly cute uncle's niece through marriage twice removed.

They'd have to change that repulsive brigade name, though.

…**Xxxx…**

Any criticism, comments? Please review!


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